Yesterday night. .

Seems like a long row of deaths.. Pre destined again? I have stopped believin all that.. It has become an everyday affair.. Shedding a few tears this side and going about your work on the other side. But memories will be treasured forever.. Yesterday when we were selecting your shirt I almost imagined how you would look in it for my wedding.. And here you are.. going beyond my boundaries of imagination..I know that I cannot expect an old man with a lil packet in his hands coming home to give a lil girl again..It is marvellous .. ur survival...U too have taught me something before you left ..I shake hands with you..seeking your blessings and love throughout my life..Love you Suri uncle..

To you Subha akka. . .

Om Sri Gurubhyo Namaha
Feels a lot better to have started with the chant.. An energy out of nowhere seems to creep in me to enable me to write. I invoke the blessings of my guru in the first place before even I start to think of the next sentence. Thanks to god for the lovely people whom he has made me meet and for the lovely times I have spent with them. Thanks to all who have made me feel that I can achieve anything, especially my parents and teachers. Thanks to Subha akka for blessing me constantly and for being my source of inspiration.
Life.. a strange teacher, our guru for everything that happens next, when we are alive. . .when we are still able to breathe. But what it teaches always may not be what we want to learn. When things go quite the contrary to what we thought, we consider this guru as someone who does not want us to exist anymore. Survival of the fittest. Darwin, who proclaimed the theory of the existence of the ones who are most fit. Absolutely perfect. That’s how earth should look. People who are fit should fill the vacuum. People who are ready to take on whatever it gives, be it storms, earthquakes, diseases and a lot more.
I remember the first day when I saw Subha akka, a bright slim and sleek young woman who could spread happiness in just a slight chuckle. What I thought next was, why was she not wearing a long Bindi just like other dance teachers. I now know why. She was not like any other dance teacher, she was special. That was the first moment of my career in dance, when I was six years old, on Vijayadasmi day. Bharathnaytam, the art form which stuns audiences world wide, even today, though it is more than a thousand years old. I did not have a pattu pavadai like others and so I went in a salwar. I was the only one in salwar. A six year old in salwar was a bit too much for my brother to look at and so he asked my parents to get me one. He did not like the idea of me being left out when all others were dressed so well. So I had a pattu pavadai for myself. A green top with maroon and green bordered skirt.
I had a good foundation in the basics before I joined Rajeswari Natyalaya. For almost a year I vaguely remember a master teaching me the same steps almost everyday. I knew how to hit my feet in rhythm and then change glances. Subha akka knew I knew. So she asked me if I had learnt dance and I told her that I did learn for almost a whole year. She smiled. The comfort of not having to teach me with strain was visible. She had a tough time with a few who did not want to learn though she was deeply committed to make them learn. I learnt the basics for almost a year before I performed on stage and began the next stage, Alarippu. I was beginning to get annoyed and Subha akka handled me quite well. She knew to convince me. All she had to do was to smile and I would agree to drop dead before her. Months later I knew why she made me do the basics for a year. I learnt faster than the others and went ahead very soon while the others were tugging along trying to bring the hands, feet and eyes to a steady rhythm. I did alarippu wearing my pattu pavadai.
Subha akka made me the gopika in every programme. Lord Krishna’s partner who would put up with everything he does. Akka knew I would be patient and teach Krishna to behave himself at the end of the song. She made me teach a lot of juniors who still adore me. I would learn and teach with much joy. The very experience of going to Subha akka’s dance class would be delightful. I would walk like a clown to dance class with a dupatta firmly tied around my waist. I never thought of how funny I looked until I watched my juniors following the same thing! I never walked to dance class anymore, instead I rode my cycle.. Greater speed, lesser onlookers.
Subha akka never dressed well. I hated her for that. I always wanted to buy her clothes in which she would look like a queen. She would appear in shabby clothes when we went to class. Her hair would not be combed well. Her nails would not have been clipped well. She would have worked hard and would come out without refreshing herself. It seemed to me that this woman never took time for herself. Usha amma would scold her like any other mother and Subha akka would wink at me. I considered myself lucky and never complained about her dressing. I distinctly remember the instance when akka and I had lunch together, Usha amma scolded her for eating less than a mosquito. Usha amma adored Subha akka though she never always listened to her. I saw simplicity. I saw truth. I saw originality. One need not dress well in order to be loved the most. However today I still cannot go out before I make sure that I look presentable. Her ideals were never reachable for me.
We went to T. Nagar quite often. The most famous T. Nagar where people never knew to halt. A swarm of men, women and children always moving about in search of another valuable at a much cheaper rate. We would ride to T. Nagar on her moped and buy things needed for the next programme. Once we went to a textile showroom to get a backdrop cloth and Subha akka bought what I chose. We argued on the colour and finally, though she took what she chose to the counter she decided to buy what I chose. She never bought anything for herself when we went shopping. Nor did she buy anything for her home. Everything she ran for was for either a performance or for her students. Even ice creams. She took me to a shop in the basement near Maya’s plaza to eat ice creams, everytime we went out.
I don’t remember Subha akka complaining of discomfort, be it mental or physical. I never knew how she looked when she was angry or when she did not like something. She would smile and pause when I never sat in ara mandi for a step. She would smile when I forgot the steps. She would smile if I told her that a step was difficult. My salanga poojai was one of the best times I ever had with Subha akka. I was in class nine and full of enthusiasm. I lived at Subha akka’s place. Parangsupuram, the place where I lived for months together. Usha amma would teach me shlokams. It was fun being with them. The swing in Subha akka’s house on which every student would have sat was like a sacred tomb where we sat when no one looked. It was as though the swing volunteered to hold each one who loved to sit on it. Subha akka knew we liked it so she never scolded us. She wore cooling glasses on her head sometimes when she rode her moped and I would watch her speeding across the streets when I went out to pick up things from shops. Hot days of kathiri veyil would not stop her from running here and there. When it rained she would sit at the doorstep near the grill just outside the main door sipping tea. She was fond of her students and organized a picnic. We enjoyed a lot.
When Subha akka dressed for a performance she would look like a goddess. One would never be able to see a strain in her dance. She would perform an item with great ease. She would have exerted so much but one could never see it. The pullaaku glistened under her nose when she smiled and that would be enough for anyone to get lost in her dance. She always told us that one should enjoy dancing and not feel that you are forced to do it. She truly enjoyed when she danced. I learnt to enjoy while I danced. She helped me when I applied for a scholarship and taught me what to expect and what not to. Subha akka made me feel I was her little sister. When I saw her on the day she got married she looked like she was completely ready for a new challenge. I was so happy for her. The day she went to the US I felt absolutely lonely. I missed her so much but we mailed often. I made sure she knew everything about me. I fell ill so often and she scolded me for not taking care of myself. She advised me to start a dance class in Chennai. I knew I had so much to learn before that. However the thought that she thought I was eligible to take class was lovely.
We shared a special relationship. She always called me whenever she wanted me to go with her for shopping or start rehearsing for the next programme. She gave me the privilege which other students did not get from her. When I got engaged to Sandeep she wanted to talk to him. I had sent her the photographs. She knew this was the man whom I was going to live with. Maybe she wanted to warn him about me! Probably she wanted to teach him to handle me just like she did..or she wanted to tell him beforehand that she wanted me to be with her for future programmes. I wanted to take time to introduce my Subha akka to Sandeep because she was not just one among my dear ones, she was one of the most important persons in my life.
Today when I think that she has left me and the rest of us I wonder why, despite our relationship, she hid the fact that she was sick and needed my prayers and support. I am sure if I had known it and prayed for her recovery she would have been with us today. My prayers have worked wonders for many. Perhaps the one sitting above thought he wanted her more than me. Like another fairy tale, god wanted an angel to take care of the lost kids in heaven. When I need her the most she is not there just like how I was not there when she may have needed me. A hint would have been enough. I would not have to bear so much pain and agony because, the fact that she has left has still not settled in me. When I rode my scooty with mum behind me to Vidya akka’s ( her sister, my present dance teacher) place I found everything normal around me. The world was going about as usual. No difference. . just like how it was all these days. The world was moving ahead despite Subha akka’s absence. Only I knew what the world had lost. Reason tells me she would not have told because she knew how sensitive I am. She did not want me to know the ill Subha akka when I knew only the ever blossoming Subha akka.
Destiny… another teacher who may leave you blank sometimes…I never got to see her when she was so close to me. She had come down to Chennai from the US for a change and performed at the temple where I was one among the audience. Before she performed I had left the venue. Had I just peeped into the green room, I would have found her dressed like a goddess and heard her voice and seen her chuckle. Subha akka had her way of making me realize things around me. Maybe I will realize why she never told me about her sickness. Though the pain is immense and I see you in my dreams everyday dressed like a goddess, I believe that my journey in this world will continue. I may dance and also enjoy like how you did and teach students like you did. I picture that you are just out there lending me your hands to give me hope and love. This wound may heal as days pass by but you will remain my inspiration forever. Thanks Subha akka for being my teacher, friend and most importantly my beloved sister. I consider myself lucky to have been your student once upon a time and especially for having been a special sister to you. Missing you so much. Love you Subha akka.

Whizzzz and back to chennai.. !

Phew!! A brief period of stay at Kerala and the consequences.. Tired.. bloated and body pain.. Reached this morning. But I don't miss Kerala like I always did. I was going back in few days!! Don't wanna think bout it. This time there was no time we rested.. We had to keep travelling from one place to another. I had planned for shopping but dint find the time for it. Aunt's house warming went very well. I liked her house and was happy for her .. At last she has settled. There is no need for her to worry anymore. Prabhath was delighted though he tried to hide his emotions a lot of times! He was happy and proud that he has a home for himself. My stay with velliamma was great. I ate a great deal and dint know I was bloating up. The last day of my stay as I was dressing up I realised my top dint fit me. So again dieting and tel you what I am actually getting fed up of this. I wish we remained the same no matter what we ate or what we did!! I enjoyed my trip.!! Ciao

Memories..

Memories.. The blue ink,

The patched shirt, the silver glasses,

The promises, the fights,

The findings, the pair of sandals,

The reconciliation, the moonlight,

Then the real truth..

Im still wondering..

Im still the lil girl..

I just woke up from a dream.. . .

Thank god!

But wait.. I still know what I am doing..

I can still see the moonlight,

I am alive,

No its worse than that,

Dreams, you can forget,

But this is dangerous

Its memories. .

Willingness. .

First a feather,
Then a fruit, a hard one,
And then a stone,
A bigger one, then boulders,
Rolling over one another,
There was no use fleeing,
Or rather I did not want to,
So I bled, and I was crushed,
Somehow it never hurt!

Back to the blogging spree. .

Feels good to be back here after a loooong time! Been having no time these days to even breathe.. And it has been quite an adventurous month that has gone past.. I am wondering at the speed of the days that is passing quite quickly.. Got to know people.. Had problems at workplace.. But that's quite natural. .. With all those years of experience of being in different places and having met all sorts of people it only quite natural for me...An individual cannot have everyone liking him or her.. Felt the culture differences.. Sometimes life is very confusing.. Especially when you sit and think bout it.. So the funda is, everyone said, DON'T SIT AND THINK..! But is it possible..? What is life if you don't think about it? Its not like marriage where you accept everything as it is without expectations!! (Wohh!) Its not like education where you expect something and something else turns up.. ! Its not like relationships where you try to do almost everything and still things don't work out..! Its never even close to satisfactory! It is life and the answers for everything are always found much later! And those are the times you wish u would have done better if you had given another chance.. a chance to have avoided doing certain things and a chance to have done certain things.. But that's again life! I still remember . . Those days where I carried the pots of sweet porridge for friends who never wanted it.. The days when I dressed up and waited for people who were never interested to turn up.. Those days when I performed extremely well to be recognised by no one.. I was Ms. Charming.. Ms. Beautiful and everything that's nice on earth to everyone. ..Those days when I used to rule the world with just a frown or a smile! Those days when I used to climb my father's shoulders without having to worry about being scolded or reminded that I have grown up.. Those days when I wanted to do just the things I wanted to do without having to think whether it was right or wrong.. Those days when the rain and holidays meant happiness. . Those days when every sort of attention was a blessing. . Those days when there were still lots of work to be done after a looong day at school.. Those days when we made vessels out of jack fruit leaves and made cakes of mud with coconut kernels.. Those days when we played India pakistan in our flat compound wearing black and violet dupattas with guns in hand. . Those days when I threw Bharath into the drain and beat uttham with the cricket bat. . Those days when I escaped all the beatings and Varun accepted them with much pride as my responsible big bro . . Those days when I walked the ramp on New Year's day with a band reading Ms. Universe made by Rajeev Maaman. . Those days when I held the silver star wand and danced with a white angel dress on stage at Morning Star school even after being jaundiced to death!!.. Those days. . . Now everything seems to be on the other side.. at the horizon.. which can only be looked and thought of.. Now everything is altered. .. Rains and holidays are not nice anymore .. presents and gifts are never welcome anymore.. Any kind of attention is intimidating.. Every smile and look has a weird intention behind..Every title has politics involved in it..And when you are exhausted what you think of is almost obvious..!! CIAO!

Let me free. .

Let me free,
I want to go back,
To my land of sunshine,
Where everyone sings with me,
Let me free,
I need to rest,
From the stress of the days,
I spent hoping for a better time,
Let me free,
I have to know to love again,
To see with attention and hear with keen ears,
And then realise my world,
Let me free,
I should know what is happiness,
Cos I find myself nowhere,
In this strange creepy world.
Let me free,
I want to show you who really I am,
And see if you will accept,
I am sure you will not.
Let me free,
I find my old dungean,
Better than this new golden cage.
That shines from outside but is rusty from inside.
Let me free,
I would do anything under the blue sky,
Risk my life, cross the seven seas,
I JUST WANT TO BE FREE AGAIN. . .!

Never the same again. . .

It seemed nothing would ever happen to that lovely place...Even if god was furious you'd never imagine of anything disturbing the scene. The sun shone mildly so that you just get yourself warmed up and not burnt! The grass was fresh and green from the recent showers. The flowers were crowned with dew drops that looked like diamonds and pearls! The air smelt fresh and good. The lake was calm and still, with the water flowing gently. The little birds twittered in consent to my view of everything around.

And suddenly a turbulence in the whole atmosphere. A gust of wind that shook the dew drops off the flowers..A trample on the grass that it was cut irregularly and did not look fresh anymore. The smell of dust and slush wafted around. The sun got furious and burnt the landscape. The calm lake was now disturbed and its gentle waves now became quite swift. The birds screamed in disagreement and flew away, afraid of the approaching quake.

After a point of time everything got back to normal. But nothing would ever be the same again. . . . .

Nice evening. . .

All that glittered this evening around me was really gold. And I felt nauseated. ..The guy was so happy to take us around the showroom. Only I knew how happy he was and what ran across his mind! I found I had lost weight and that my cheeks had gone down. I was not attractive anymore so I decided that I will gain some weight. Mom and dad were so happy that they were being led by someone from their own town and I was so bored. I wanted to check out some saree collections. And finally There was no time for anything. We had a nice evening today. What's more. .I dint have to spend a penny today and i was with mom and dad. . ! Ciao!

The driver. . .

I get into the chariot. .
The chariot that's all white and full. .
I sit before he pulls the reins. .
And see him through the mirror,
Looking at me for consent to drive away. .
I say yes, but silently and the engine throbs,
Jet speed and he knows how it would feel for me..
Just to see me scared, he would pull the reins harder,
And look at me through the mirror,
And smile as though he was the god of death,
I would straighten up,
To make him lose his pride,
Of being able to scare me,
But he knows I am doing it deliberately,
He laughs, sarcasm full to the brim,
And surprisingly I don't feel bad,
I smile and look outside for inspiration.
And then he would pull the reins,
Even more harder,
Hard that I wont be able to see anything outside,
Cos everything would just buzz past,
The speed gets to my nerves,
Not anger, but excitement, like a child,
I have no fear of death,
I have company. in fact many,
Some young, some old,
I thought I was in the midst of the journey of life,
I was already advancing ..and too fast too!
He is annoyed that I don't look at him,
So he speeds up,
And I scream from inside,
It shows on my face,
And he sees me look at him,
He thinks I asked him to slow down,
And so he does, but with a smile, sarcasm full to the brim.
I am happy he is happy. . .

Miss!

Life is treating me well or so I would like to believe these days!..just that treats may be hard to digest sometimes..! Lot of work today but lot of reflections too..The first years called me MISS and I threatened them with a 500 bucks fine! Had fun today..the kids brought back school days memories..! Sometimes I really wish there was a rewind button to life..I wld just keep rewinding!! Ciao!

Let go. .

To let go..its so easy.. to stilll have the grip...its so difficult..Sometimes you just need to let go to find yourself in the world..and its only wen u find urself that u can start living for yourself..and living for yourself is an exhilirating experience..!! Ciao!

Unknowingly shackled. . .

Sometimes you go to a place knowing you wont be treated well. We go there expecting it but we do not prevent ourselves from going there. Its part of life, we say.

Its amazing to know that no one is free. An individual has no circle for himself or herself. We ultimately live for others. In all ways. We dress, we talk, we work etc for others. We eat for ourselves but finally it is for others we maintain our life well. All the protests and strikes seeking freedom are just a sham while truly speaking we are are all chained and shackled. Ask yourself if you want to live for yourself and you will find that you might have to take a completely immoral and illegal path to keep you satisfied and happy. That's called freedom but we don't want it.. or do we? maybe under the cover of secrecy each one yearns for such a freedom. Yet we live without it. Ciao.

The remedy..

Its different when you fall in love...Its even more different when you keep it up. .Both are needed for the relationship to last long. . The world would then be problem free!

Exhausted. . !

Lecture the whole day. . counsel kids for an hour, sing for an hour, dance for two hours . ..what else can I include in my schedule for a day?? Pheeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!! Exhausted.. ! From now on till November there's gonna be no committments, be it anything. .

This side bright, That side dark. . .

When you can see shadows even in darkness and nothing at all in daylight . . .Its quite an experience. . The light at the other end of the tunnel could be an incoming train. .! You'll never know! And if you know, it wont be exciting! Ciao!

Different cos there is no difference!

Why cant life be different sometimes?

Its always the same. .

The same situations..

Over and over and over again. .

Realisation and repetition. .

It comprises nothing but a beginning and an end,

But both are the same,

Cos its never different,

Its always the same. .

Some life this is. .

On duty 24/7!!

When you cannot rewind time..
When you cannot dream what you dreamt before. .
When you cannot hope for good things. .
When you cannot be free from thoughts you don't want to think...
When what you say is misinterpreted. .
When you feel tat you are no more at the receiving end. .
When you feel you are caught in a landslide you cant stop. .
When you cannot smile from the heart. .
When you feel you are paid badly for what you have done
When all doors are closed. .
Remember only the soul craves. . And it shall be bestowed with what it needs. . .
There is someone on duty. . .Above. . .

What's this one called? . .?

MY PRIDE SWALLOWS ME UP AT EVERY STAGE IN MY LIFE. .! TODAY I AM NO MORE. .! Happy news, sad news, whatever..I finally have given in. .I sit and stand and eat and sleep. Ciao!

Saadhanam kayil undu!!

TOMORROW

To err, to forget, to give up, to surrender,
To lose, to fear, to dread, to worry,
To stoop, to conquer, to gain , to succeed,
To forgive, to understand, to be happy, to see,
To hope, to love, to smile, to enjoy,
To speak, to listen, to care, to be kind,
To seek, to search, to yearn, to live,
Tomorrow. . .

The dream of the date with the dentist!!

Putting braces and smiling away to glory to show the shining pair of teeth was one of my dreams right from 7th grade!! You can imagine how crazy I was! I always had a feeling that my upper dentures were not down to their places and that only braces could set them right. I also liked the attraction aspect of it. Everytime I talked ppl would notice it in amazement and wonder how I manage to have them inside my mouth all the time. And as usual it was postponed for many years!! Finally when it was time to get married I had the opportunity to have them. With great excitement I looked forward to wearing them :). I knew I would have four of my teeth removed so I picked up courage and went in to have a date with the dentist!

Surprises! I had the braces in my mouth even before my teeth were pulled out. And it pained terribly for two whole days after which I had to welcome a teeth pulling session. Two from the left side first. I had thought that two from lower, i.e one from left and one from right and two from upper same way. . . And it pained terribly for the next two days. And then one more to be pulled out from the right side. It pained and I missed my NET exam cos of it.. . I was already giving up and then the dentist told me that after a month I had to remove two more from the upper dentures. So five in total. And I shrunk to my seat and sighed a yes to him. I dint expect this,, nor the pain. I could not manage. I could not open my mouth or sleep in peace during nights. I could not laugh or eat what I wanted. Passive resignation. . I never thought that my lovely dream would cost me so much. . Now I wished I had not dreamt!! Life is crazy sometimes. . Ciao!!

What is everything. . .?

Everything is not all..There is more to it. .

Each thing is different,

Not as we assume sometimes. .

Lost freedom cannot be dreamt about again..

Unless you dont want it to frutify..

Sometimes we try new things..

To replace, to avenge, to experience, to keep us busy. .

And the bliss out of it depends on your luck. .

But the search for novelty remains. .

Forever and forever. .

The fone rings,

And there is this peculiar sound for that one call,

Which I was forced to set,

Cos the heart thumps, and sweat glands activate,

Sending the chill down my spine,

I gulp in air but it just wont go down my throat,

It stays in the mouth and then I am forced to send it out,

The first word, as sweet as ever, but as scary as it could get,

I think no end of myself, brave, bold, smart,

I picture myself handling it,

Hanging up, cutting down, uttering something,

But I give back the sweet word another word, this one sweeter. .

And then the dialogues are ones from that of a movie..

A put on, just like how it has been always,

So there is no escape whatsoever, and. .

I am enjoying this ride much more than all the rides I had,

From the time I saw this world!

License to Kill!!!! :)

The agreement was finally made and duly signed by all elders on the 30th, saturday, 11 to 11:50 am. He calls it the "license to kill"! I call it "Love Band". We looked like the big handsome teddy bear with the small frightened squirrel!! Ok I was beautiful..I cant stick modesty! The amount of tension I carried was equivalent to all the natural forces put together against humanity. I just wanted everything to go smooth with no frictions or any sort of unpleasantness. A wick that may be put out in the most casual instance, a sudden illness, a slight alteration in the climatic conditions, a frown or a bad glance, an unknowingly uttered word, were the most treacherous threats to the great pact that promised long lasting happiness( cliches!! ). Photographs, video and all other means of evidence were made and documented. The crucial hour passed and everything got settled. Then came the setbacks, a few of them, which I think was handled well by the organisers and the participants.
Horrible way of relating my engagement with Sandeep :)..reads like a report, but I prefer to use the journalist tone here to avoid the nasty comments I know some of you are capable of sending me as mails. Lols! People are calling it the best cherry on the cake!.. I am telling them the best is yet to come! :)

I am not what I am. .

Change is the only thing permanent in this world. . And to change I will succumb..To change I Will prostrate.. To change I will bow down my ego..To change I will let go off things and people..To change I will stoop..To change I will yearn for what I need to..To change I will hope for what others hope..To change I will think generic..To Change I will yield..To change I Will digest..To change I will grow into a worm and then come out with butterfly wings..To change I will sell the past ..To change I will build the future..To change I will roll down the corridors of gold..To change I will walk on velvet carpet..to change I will love everything around me..To change I will bury my sorrows and sow new golden daffodils..To change I will look up and up forever..!

My lovely Silver lining!

Little valleys, all green and brown,

Promising little sorrow and loads of happiness,

Too many candies spoil the teeth,

And too many sorrows decay the soul,

Love brings in new hope,

Lots of sunshine but little scope,

Trials and tribulations all petty yet huge,

Seem to douse the fire but still yearn for more cooling,

For once the silver lining behind the clouds,

Could appear to oppress the harshness of the world,

But the clouds are that what matter,

They wont leave him..My lovely silver lining. .

But I am all bucked up to go beyond the moon if necessary,

To just see him...My lovely silver lining. .

Emotions recollected in tranquility. . .

Last evening was eventful..Unforgettable..But crowded thoughts...confusion...and the weight of the day..but today somehow everything seems beautiful...I dint chase the dirty pigeons from my shoe-rack today..They had built a cosy nest on one of my pairs of sandals..But I let them be there..I dint fret washing clothes or putting them to dry..I believe in God and I entrust everything to to him..My life is his..Chow!

Way towards knowing. . .

A usual blazing monday morning, but the hater of mondays is now glad that it is monday today!!! No work..I had told people at work about my appointments and stealthily kept my nose out of work...But can someone tell Mr.Sun to please be kind enough to be mild today?!!!

Second confession. . .That's what My Phd is going to be about. . lols!

Each day I go to watch trains.. the sight of the train coming to the platform brings new hope..every new train is a ray of hope..and then when it waits on the platform I think it waits for me. . . to get away from all the materialistic side of life..and then I feel so good to relish its sight.. the smell of iron is like a fragrance..anything dirty also appears so nice..and then the blowing of the horns.. the signal that its time for my lovely train to go..and then it pulls away from me ..slowly..but I cld still see it..the compartments and the ppl who are in it but then not for long.. cos it pulls away quickly that I can vaguely see anything..and then I get to see the last part where the guard waves the green flag..the green flag symbolising that my sorrows wil remain evergreen always..and then it disapears into thin air..then an emptiness..a lovely emptiness that fills my very nerve and blood with blissful pain..the same pain I experienced wen the loveliness in my life ended in the past..and then I wait..for the next lovely thing..my lovely train..but I know this will also go away but I still look fwd to it..I look fwd to the loveliness and the blissful pain that will follow...the smell of rust fills me with joy..I love rust..rust which no one likes..which no one thinks is good..which everyone thinks is useless...but I take pride in waiting for it though everyone thinks I am off world..im proud to be off world...I am going now to be known as the girl who is off world...

From the Glaciers of the past!!

No one, not even the rain has such small hands. . Cummings' and Tennesse Williams' wonderful combination in 'The Glass Menagerie'. . Memories come rushing in...Won't call it haunting this time..Its a perennial river, lasting forever, never yielding to changes, be it twists or turns, plains or valleys, rocks or pebbles..It has a source and a course..The unicorn that symbolises uniqueness can also symbolise abnormality..Its in the eyes of the perceiver. . .Its evergreen, ever strong, ever stubborn, ever not willling.. TO LET ME GO. . Chow!

No rewinds and no fast forwards..Just "Change". . .

Change is the only permanent thing in life... What if permanency never changed?! Sometimes we wish certain things never changed.. Now if there was a rewind button to life, we would be happy and go ahead without worries cos we always have the past to travel back to. . .However at other times we just don want to get stuck with something that we dont like..A bad patch of life for instance..and that's when the we crave for a fast forward button..We wish we grew up so that we need not have to deal with it.. I remember I wished to grow up soon to become an English teacher so that I need not have to deal with Maths classes when I was in the eigth grade!! Truly Bonkers!! So again "Change"! We cant escape it, can we? I am tempted to quote the Ernest Hemingway, who said "I can sum up what life is in just three words, 'It goes on'! On that note lemme say Chow!

Stooping. .

The first bloom, the second bloom and then the third..
Too exhausted in the splendour, she rode her little pony
The sights too sugary and the smells too exotic,
Love is a red red rose, fed with the blood of the two,
Too exhausted in the empty splendour she rode her pony. . .

The Grand Finale!

The last exam..the last line tat I drew in my answer sheet suggesting the end of the grand finale...The last day at college..but everything remained the same..a feeling that I am going to be here again afterall..I did not feel that I was going away and though my friends insisted that I stay on to exchange kisses and hugs I silently made my way home to collapse in my room for I was famished and wrung out cos of the events and my night-ups! I was glad I was done with my exams..Planning on attending some summer workshops..Need to do some re-creation work! Got to steal my way to Kerala atleast for a week..Its been quite sometime now. Apply for Mphil here at my lovely lovely MCC! Go out with friends! Make up for all those times I refused their offers to go out with them! Awrite awrite I said Im coming! Phew! Write something if I get time. . Etc..Nice plans for the holidays but they have to be implemented ..Now that's the tough part! Chow!

Incessant Outpour. .

Life , a four letter word with endless definitions and to live , a verb with endless explanations. The walk down the Path station struck me with this idea to peep on all the other commuters along with me and to see what their life is all about today. Some of them were running, a life of pace, few of them were eager to see what New York had in store for them today, a life of expectations and few of them like me who were drowsy and lost , trying to find out on how to spend the very next moment in life. By the time all the philosophical calculations finished up in my head , there I stand right at my Merrill Office. I wondered how life took its twists and turns and after watching "The Knowing" seems like I am on the very same lines "Everything that happens in this world has a purpose". It sounds more like a phrase stolen from the Gita , well its origin is the last thing I am interested in. Thought the question What is the purpose of my life ? That was my next thought ,climbing to the 5th floor of the skyscraper. McDonald's,KFC's,Chipotle,Ferrari,New York didn't seem to answer that question. I reached my desk, made a few phone calls and then I closed my eyes and wondered what is that I wanted the most and what is indeed the purpose of this life ? My office was empty today ,being a Saturday, and all I could hear was the humming of my computer and the ones around me, thanks to the non energy saving policy .Despite the "IT-fernece", I knew and I knew exactly what I wanted the most. I needed someone to love me. But does that answer my question ? Or rather does it help me come of this loneliness. I decided to question myself further. Love.another four letter which has no boundaries when it comes to definitions or explanations. Love , Life and then God, lets say life is the path, God your map and love is "that someone". Trust me, you wouldn't want to be on a crooked path without map being lonely.Would you ? Well that's where I was until a few weeks ago. My path so far had been an Everest climb without anyone but I always had this map with me saying take that direction-take this direction but it used to take me from one tough path to another. Intimidating !!! I always kept saying the map is incorrect and it just puts me in an even bigger mess. I never realized that the map always gave me the correct waypoints b'cas I wanted it to be "the" creamy ride and it didn't help me being alone either. Whenever someone turns up and says ok "I'll be along with you forever". I jump in joy and am like Sir Benjamin Franklin flying his kite to get struck by the love lighting. However when the path just gets too strenuous for them ,they quit,leaving me midway and there I stand all alone right in the middle of no where with nothing but tears. I kept wishing why didn't I get a better path or life so that this person stayed with me forever. Today after 25 years I realize, God has always played this game well, a bit of happiness and then an ocean of sadness and the cycle goes on.He keeps proving this point that you will get tougher and deal with sadness, and you don't get fed up with happiness either. Smart He Is !! and why I never had a someone to be with me ,who stayed long to cuddle up or hug me when I am low is b'cas He had designed the path in such a way that He wanted that someone who loves me more than I love her to join me ,one day, on this beautiful journey called life to make it our life. These days the air smells good, the sun shines brighter,the water looks calm , you would say I am in love , I call it God's Game , a game I love to play forever with "that someone". God lightens love and love colors life. Its always a God's Game , and its Great Game !!!!
- Sandy

Foucault...I am not dead!

Remembering Michael Foucault today. . . The one who said that the author is dead! And yeah I remember Ranjitha asking NS if Foucault claimed 'What is an Author' as his!! The gal sometimes hits the nail on the head! . . Of course Foucault claimed it to be his, otherwise we wouldn't know who even came up with the idea of the author being dead. Now the question is," AM I DEAD LIKE AROUND 127 TIMES? " I feel I am as alive as someone who could blog for the 128th time!I am overjoyed today cos I got the chance to write a lot 'bout and for Plath today! Last one to go on Monday and I will be done with everything! Chow!

bllllllllllllllllllllllahh. . .!

I bet the world's best lullabies cannot beat my textbooks! The moment I try reading a few lines I am already asleep like a baby! Before taking my book I am all wide awake and ready to go for it but .. . shucks. . .So disappointing.. Anyhow today's exam was good enuf..! It was yet another blazin hot day today and the metallic insides of the electric train almost cooked me up..Got bloated up with water by the time I got down at my station..! Seems its the hottest day of the month..Say I don't believe that! Freakin its like this everyday in Chennai! Felt embarrassed for not knowing French today.. Though I am happy with Indian standard, sometimes it does not give me a good feeling.. will work on that.. So what's that... rendesvouz?...de ja-vou?..voila..? bonjour?... madmoiselle?...royale..? monsieur..? merci..? surprise..? belle...? beau...? Btw this is an FYI for all those who know French to help me out okk! And frens patience is a virtue.. I have my exams goin on which is why I am not bloggin.. will get back soon..! But thanks sooo much for the mails... feels grt to know that ppl like reading my. . ahem! Chow!

At last one of the muses came to help. . .!

With Love From Cupid, through me :-). .
The dreary dawn breaks bright with your voice,
I stir up wading in pride, of my lovely choice.
Those words of love which you pour on me,
Will not touch even the fathoms of the deepest sea.
When you are not near, my heart aches in pain,
My love for you I really cannot explain.If not for you,
this world of mine would have perished,
All the special moments we share, will forever be cherished.
Gold or silver, ruby or diamond,
Will never let this love transcend,
To a world where you and I are not there,
It is said that in love everything is fair!
You are my identity and to you my soul is sold,
I will never let you go, for all the treasures of the world!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does my soul wander for you
Why does my soul wander for you ?
Nothing but my love in every hue,
And in search for my love lyric,
Lost I am , nothing but dramatic,
Whilst many times that i miss her,
I pray God bind me to her,
Miss you is too little a phrase,
Forever will I be in your beautiful heart's space.
---------------------------------------------------

Sandy's yet another masterpiece. . . I notify that from now on this will be a shared blog space! :-)

Another moment of revelation! This time its enchanting!

Miles away may you be,
Hours away may it be,
All I see is this ship called clock,
Crawling ever so slow to every dock,
A sailor on it am I,
Waiting as ever to see her why?,
Mad is what they say I am,
I say, her love is all what I am.

Another one by Sandy! Let me notify to my readers that I share good literature! All blogs need not just be mine! Chow!

Future Continuous tense. . . An enlightenment at the right time of a looong day!!

Last evening as I walked down the road to Arena, a lot of things were up there in my mind..I did not realise that I did'nt have a morsel of food the whole day. However my legs carried me to the places where I wanted to go. I had the power point set up and I cld see that my students were restless. Lost my temper when one of them started off with the thirsty crow when I asked him to speak up! Can U imagine that..! I ask him to speak on some good stuff and he and his thirsty crow ! and the funniest part is that his version had the crow committing suicide cos of deforestation...! That was enuf for the steam to shoot up! Anyhow I had to do my job and I was teaching them tenses after a short session of blasting ! I could see that all of them were taken aback cos they had not got a taste of my temper till now! When it finally moved to what future continuous was I felt my energy was draining out. I hoped for the future and I somehow did not like the word continuous.. It seemed dragggging.. just like my life now.! I was about to give up when one of my students came up with a very motivating thingy. . .! He said," mam, can we use the word 'progressive' instead of continuous"? Lights! Camera! Action! I was energised! And I was glistening with contentment..!Boy! I loved that word and I told him yes we cld use that. He was bewildered at my response to his question! Lols! But whatever it is, 'progressive' is much better than 'continuous'. The drag is not there and I am looking fwd to it. . .freeing myself from the shackles of a dragging form of tense! Chow!

A poem descended from the heavens. . . For me, Just for me!

My Color of Love
Some say love is blind...
Blinds say "BLACK"
Some say love is beautiful..
Pagents say "SILVER"
Some say love is nature...
Ecologists say "GREEN"
Some say love is peace...
Irenologists say "WHITE"
Some say love is divine...
Priests say "GOLD"
Some say love is tough....
Lithologists say "BRoWN"
Some say love is far....
Meteorologists say "BLUE"
I say love is light....
And everyone says "Varna"

This one was written by Sandy, who is someone whom I look up to these days more than anyone else. There's a poet in you all-rounder! And I am jealous of you..But I am glad I met you in life..hmm.. so literary inclinations huh?..I'm in for a more than perfect package I guess ( wink! )...Hi fi sandy! And friends I know what you are all thinking. . .for more details contact me at varna.vjv@gmail.com. Ahem ahem..Lol! Chow!

The return of the native--- but this one, by varna...

Life... it takes you down through a maze and then finally...luck... makes U walk down this new lane.. everything is bright and cheery...twinkling and sparkling.. every sound you hear is pleasant..like the wind chimes dancing in the gentle breeze..then the waft of a completely new perfume..maybe a mix of the most exotic flowers with the most delicious fragrances in the wide world.. it melts your heart and sets your spirits soaring high..you like the way it is already set for you and you season it with what you feel will enhance it even more.. and the enriching gives you immense happiness...then you think of the hastles.. what may hinder the whole set up tat you completely enjoy wading in..u say u r in for it but u r not the only one who gets to decide that.. then there is this face and hands going pale..what if everything vanishes.. like poooof! and you have to get the whole thing done again right from the beginning..which u hate, but which you got to do, no matter what...the worst nightmare ever.. u accommodate the sights, the smells and the sounds just sooo well to ur soul and then it is just sooo difficult to let go..you are lost in some no man's land where memories haunt you....you pray hard and say to urself that all this is just a dream.. its reality that matters .. and then u pinch urself, and u feel the pinch..! You open your eyes and everything is intact...just the way you wanted it..the same sounds, the same smells, the same sights..just the way it was before you got lost in the nightmare..and you dunno what to do now cos you are so tired of the eventful experience ....u thank that buddy up there and you just collapse onto ur bed.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....the bliss of happy sleeping...Chow!

Sugar is sweet, Today was sweeter!

What's in a name?!! Similarly... What's in a date? Well , a lot of things matter when you are the centre.. when u r the foci..! Its been a beautiful day! I finally submitted my project and got the signatures that I needed.. It was like taking out this long stuck thorn from the long, slender, perfumed the jasime creepers.. I love writin but not dissect a lovely text into pieces, mercilessly, and get the analysis rejected for almost 4 times and then finally get it approved after you give up on it totally! NAAAA..That's not how it should be! However I am done with it and I was soo gladd when I got out of the office where I got the signatures!.. Not until one of my profs told me that I got a letter from the record's office and that I was into serious trouble.. In the beginning I thought it was a joke cos he was known for it but when he emphasised that I may have to get it sorted out by the HOD I got the creeps running down my spine. All the happiness that I was done with my project seemed to drift away to nowhere.. I had to collect it from one of my classmates and as she gave it to me she was full of pity for me. I decided I would face anything right upto it and opened the letter..The first few mins the letters were not there..then they appeared blurred.. I realised I was getting worked up and was reading nothing! But wait. . .! it said they were giving me a prize for academic performance!! I should have known the devils better.. be it my profs or my classmates..And then I got a call asking me to collect my cash prize for the dance I did for Entreunos '09..Whatever said and done MCC rocks! What a way of making me happy! "Lots of nice things today!!" Love you all ! Chow!

God is Good!

Last morning I happened to see the caption 'GOD IS GOOD' on one of my friend's cell phone. I wondered at the simplicity of it. Just another o added in between the word and it meant more than what it should. But I felt that shld not be on a cell phone! That fellow was pretty out of the way and I knew the caption on his fone dint mean anything to him cos he did not believe in god. 'Maybe ur mom put that for you', I thought aloud. He did not bother to answer, neither did I expect it! Today I did not go to college as i was tired for all the running I did last evening. I woke up late and thought to work on my project. I had to do the formatting and stuff and so sat before my system with my usual cup of complan! I finished it about 1:30 in the afternoon not realising it was lunch time already. I decided I would call NS and ask him if I could mail it to him. I remember he said he was leaving India for some reason and that he wont be evaluating my project and after that I don't remember a thing..until now when I just got reminded of the caption on that bugger's cell phone!! Last evening god did not let me down nor this afternoon! FREAKING HEAVENS!!!! Love you all!! Chow!

O sayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. . . !

If you had put 'o saya' from slumdog Millionaire for the situation that I was in last evening it would have been perfect. What a run..a run.. AS THOUGH FOR GOODNESS LIFE! It was a usual day with a very unusual and exciting evening. I had to help sunny with his project at home and had some softwares installed in return. It was 7:30 by the time we got done with everything. Suddenly I realised Lalloo aunty was going to Kerala that night. However I assumed that she was going by the Alleppey express which left at 9"15. So I had lots of time to get to Central from Kodambakkam. I just had to board the local train and in minutes I would be at Park and then I could exchange goodbye kisses with her and be back. I decided to call her to ask if she was done with packing and stuff and freaks....she was at the station already. She told me that she was taking the Chennai Mail which was leaving at 8!!!! I glanced at my watch and it said 7:40! The next thing I did was switch off the computer and pull sunny out and ride my scooty with him to the station and then run and run and run up the stairs and down them and to the compartment of the local train. I wished I drove the train. With the maximum speed with which it went I still felt it could go faster. I prayed that the train shld be late atleast for ten mins. The irony of it! We complain if trains are late and if they are not we hv other problems! Well...I asked every other passenger what the time was on their watches a hundred times before I could get down at park. It was 7:53 when we reached park. And what did we see in front. A huge swarm of humans pushing their way through the subway to Central. We decided to use the road and ran and ran and ran. Fully drenched in sweat we reached Central after hearing a few people swear at us. It dint matter..we were in a hurry as they were. We almost got hit by a car. It dint matter. I had to see her before she left. I was feeling terribly sorry for not having called her before time. She was going to be away for almost a month or two and I did not want to miss seeing her off. Without her life at Chennai would be boring, well u wld say that if u dint have ur godmother near you! AND THEN WE HAD TO BUY PLATFORM TICKETS! 'Freaking don buy them', said sunny but I told him that we wld hv to pay a huge fine if caught without platform tickets or they wld seize our cell phones! And Sunny yielded. With two yellow tickets that saved our scell phones we ran and ran and ran towards platform 5. That was lots of metres away and with my high heeled sandals I could not run anymore. I was breathless but nevertheless seeing the train I was encouraged. But S6 was kilometres away ...It seemed it would take forever. I looked at the compartments as we ran the length of the train. Finally the maroon salwar, those bright eyes and the cheery chuckles..I saw Lalloo aunty! She was taken aback but I could see that she was happy though others thought I was out of my minds. I spoke to her for exactly four mins and the train pulled away. . . I sunk..Those four mins were valuable and all the running was worth it! Now I miss her! Thanks to you sunny for being my running partner! Chow!

Opinions. . .

Some tell me join..Some tell me not to join..Some tell me study...Some tell me work..Some tell me work and study..Some tell me to break the rules..Some tell me hit it of against all odds..Can i think for god's sake..! I feel I need a change but now Im in a trance, with opinions bombarding from all sides.. So its decision making big time these days.

Interview at Dhaanish engg college!

Today I had gone to padappai to Dhaanish ahmed engg coll to attend an interview for the post of english lecturer and what a way of getting through.. There was a very formal interview and I was asked to do a presentation and I did what best i cld do. And then came the question of the year! They asked me when I was getting married! Are u engg colls kidding me?!! And then they asked me why teaching and not any other profession!..what a stupid question.. I pray for the future of Engg colleges! The place was good and the students looked at me as though I was some new student gone there to join..! That was fun...! I was challenging everyone mentally to try messing up with me so that they will get it from me later when they realise I am their mam! I enjoyed the bus ride to Padappai. Just in front of the coll there is a lake and the atmosphere was serene. I got appointed but my syndicate has advised me not to based on career prospects so i don think I will be taking it up. I learnt that its easy to get through engg coll interviews and become a lecturer for good if you knew when you will marry and why you choose teaching of all other professions!

The quest. . .

Today I asked my prof in class whether it is important to belong? And if i do not have a sense of belonging and Im comfortable with it is it some abnormality? Its not a question of natural or unnatural, its about finding your roots.. As far as i know i cant find my roots unless i live for more than 22 yrs in kerala, which is IMPOSSIBLE! I dont care where I belong or to whom I belong until im comfortable with ppl and the surroundings. Chow!

I long to Belong. . .

Today I wanted to run away from the world that I did not belong to but I could not. The frustration went deep inside me, as though I had swallowed a not fully-charred wood. The extremes of dramatic traits cld not be put aside though I wld love to do that the first thing in life! I could not sit, stand or do anything productive and that put the nails against the two sides of my head. If you think I was under depression you are wrong! I was simply angry! I was reading the Hairy Ape by Eugene O Neill in class today and found myself belonging to the world of the gorilla there. I wanted a gorilla to crush me, crush me to death with all its love. I know Yank wld have felt the sense of belonging at last and I await such a thing! It's not easy to live without a sense of belonging! But the question is who are you? Who am I? Where do u really belong? Chow!

Listen, to the hard prayer . . .

A prayer sent through speed post,
And then taken to in person,
Hard prayer, not gentle so that he can just smile on it,
And run away for good,
Pestered, coaxed, bulllied, ragged,
Slaundered, pelted, ridiculed, stuffed,
And then torn apart both by words and actions,
He could not just smile at the hard prayer,
You make me write a poem about it,
And you think you are done with it,
But that's when things begin,
Until you send them down your throat,
Your intestines, and the sweaty ends of your palms.
Glistening spirit, that sticks and never lets you go,
Loved, Condemned, scorned, beat,
Overflowing with the memories,
A horrid world that you never want to belong to,
But that's where you belong,
Biter truth, It holds you down,
So that you fall plop,
twice on the floor, when you try to get up in the morning!
The green grapes that my daddy gave this evening,
Glistening spirit, that quenched the thirst,
but wrought the soul with the fire of a thousand logs,
The stealthy glances that she gives,
Thinks that I dont notice it,
Thine eyes are more stealthy, I laugh aloud,
You have two options, listener of the hard prayer,
Either take me to the world when I did not know that the red liquid was blood or . . .
Grey me overnight. . . . . . .

I belong there. . . An Expedition to the real world. . .

Today was a beautiful day! The climate was just perfect for a tour around the city..It was as though the sun refused to come out to the sky in shame for the blaze it spread for the past few days. And so Chennai was like heaven today.. A tuesday. . A holiday for miladi-un-nabi. . .For me it was pre planned by some merciful force just for me to set about on an expedition.. .An expedition that I always longed for. . I was tired of writing my assignment again for the second time..I was awake the whole night in fact and woke up late ...But my spirits were high. . I wanted to spend my day exploring some rural side of chennai and that's how I got myself on train with a friend to Chengelpet...The climate was aweome amd as the train pulled from one station to another my excitement rose like that of a kid's! Palm trees in rows, vast stretches of green lands, villagers playing cards in the orchards, children fishing in the ponds, teenagers playing cricket in the uneven open stretch of lands, huge hills coming along with the train, an overcast sky. . all these exotic elements were just what i wanted to relieve me off the pressure and stress I was in.. Thanks to the quiet companion who only responded to my childlike excitement and allowed me my time and space to enjoy the journey! The huge lake at Chegelpet was worth loads of admiration ..The deep waters with the still flow and the canopies that floated along here and there was a spectacle! The cool breeze to carry away all negative feelings was an added essence! While returning I had another companion sitting just opposite to me in the train who played my favourite songs on his cell phone.. We did not have a conversation but somehow all the tracks he played blended well with the climate and the journey, as though I had demanded it. What else did I need for a wonderful day! God's creation. . His plans. . .Ella pugazhum iraivanukke! Chow!

Great Expectations...But this time not by Charles Dickens!

Imagine you sit all through the night to write a twelve page assignment putting your heart, blood and soul into it to impress the tough guy who is your guide.. In the process you almost fall over your study table a number of times but your determination is extremely powerful and you fight the sleep that climbs over you each second..You forsake everything like hunger, thirst and everything else vital to keep u alive and finally when you are done with it you beam with joy..with satisfaction that you did justice to it. You look at the world outside as you sip the last ounce of water from your water bottle on the study table to ease you and through your window you see the whole world sleeping while you are up and you have just finished an assignment that consists of twelve page of pure hardwork, committment and originality ( I will use such big words, I am entitled to do so! ) And the next day you jump about in joy thinking that its all over and then this tough guy finds some fault or the other with it right from the first page till the last page and asks you to re-do it from the beginning! Well..life can't get worser! hope that teaches you a lesson as it did to me! Freakin hell guys...! This is the fourth time..And I guess I will still keep counting till the semester ends! Sigh! Im off to sleep..Chow!

Turning all official!!!

I did my own powerpoint presentation today..Feels great..I wonder what my students will think of it tomo..Hope to see them enjoy it..Im tired of using the marker and the board so thought to switch over to this mode!.. I will be going for invigilation very soon for the diploma students..Their exams begin next week..I set the question paper for them and I love the idea that everything is under my supervision..My project is still not taking shape but I hope to do something serious about it..! Oh by the way I am scripting something for one of my profs at college too..Helped Lalitha mam with her speech at the rotary club..And I'm gonna sing for a programme in the mid week of march..Got an offer for being a lecturer at an engineering college ...I am proud of myself for being involved with all this and so I have something to hold on now.. That is all I need..Something to hold on..! Chow!

Totally Solutionless . .

When you cannot give back the love that you recieve from your loved ones what do you do? Sometimes you are born with the insensitive nerve and there is no point in trying to change cos you cannot change what was bestowed on you when you were just a developing embryo in your mother's womb...There has been no history of anyone succeeding against the law of nature. It does not really matter to you till you become an adult and you realise the truth... when things go wrong at home and parents give in, to make children happy, they think they have allowed the children to triumph..The children when they find themselves being loved incessantly even after being the cause of so much disturbance find themselves groping with the passive silence and the willing resignation of the parents along with their lovely treatment in order to make up for the child's anger. This can ruin the child's self confidence of being able to love its parents. The child feels that it is not capable of giving back even a quarter percent of what it recieves. This can be soul wrecking for the child though parents do not want or expect anything back! But from the viewpoint of the parents it can be justified that they are doing the right thing. That's what they are cut out for..for pouring love onto their kids, not expecting anything in return. It gives much pain to them when they see that their child is not turning towards them even after showing so much love. This clash is prevalent in almost all households but the sad fact is that there is no solution for this. But its completely normal, so dont screw up your lives guys! This is for all those who cried to me last evening!! Ok ok. . .don give me that look. I just did not find anything to blog on. Joblessness at its heights! Chow!

A Dance unto happiness!

Yesterday was an eventful day...! It was "Entreunos", our college non resident women culturals and I was participating in solo dance and solo singing competetions. I was excited to the peak as I was performing after a long time and I could almost see my nerve ends split with excitement! I was so energetic the whole day thinking about the evening and was jumping around the college. My friends came to me asking,"Are u dancing this evening buddy?" And I was wonderstruck at their guess but I realised I was extraordinarily active and that was behind their guessing! I gleamed in joy and revised the steps mentally each and every second. Last year I had won the first prize for solo dance. I had performed a classical number and this time I was looking fwd to performing something different, a fusion of both western and classical for the instrumental pieces from Slumdog Millionaire! ( not again na!) lols! I had practised like crazy and I had a special zorro's eye mask ordered for the first half of the dance. My theme was " A return to originality"! On the evening before yesterday's, I had realised that my make up kit was near empty and I went shopping. Oh man! The pride of getting your things with your own money. . .nothing like that! But I made sure I did not float in the pride as I was crossing my fingers and praying that everything should go well the next day! The day dawned and I had danced till about 12:30 on the previous night (Ya. . I know what u r thinking! That's me and my love for dancing for u guys!) Like. . I could not get up that morning lol . . but I woke up at the crack of dawn( which I never do) and was still dancing away to glory! I am sure my parents and my neighbours would have thought that something had gone wrong with me cos I was constantly playing the same track again and again. I got dressed for the dance with the help of my friend Tinku. Tinku I love you ! U were such a sweetheart! But has anything happened in my life without getting the freakin hell outta me?!! Ya that's where the whole adventure began! I wanted to check if my audio cd was playing well on the college audio system ( I always do that and make sure things are perfectly fine befor my performances). The cd slipped in silently and I was waiting for my friends who were with me to scream in excitement when they hear the track! I wanted it to be a surprise and so had not told them the name of the track when they had asked me! For the first few mins there was no sound.."Taking time to load" I thought aloud. . .The next minute passed and still there was no sound. . .I told the guy who was in charge of the music system to take the cd out and put it in again. I could see he was getting imapatient. I was fully decked and I could feel my heart in my throat! I prayed to all the lords in the world so that some sound came out of my cd. . .Still silence. . . heart breaking silence . .I found that silence could mean dreadful, nerve wreckin, and. . .My friends looked at me helplessly and I was still looking at the audio system wondering why my cd did not produce any sound like how it did all those days when I practised with it. "Chill. . If the cd does not work I won't dance, that's all guys. It's not like I am never gonna get chances in life anymore" I said coolly trying to keep myself calm and steady. . My friends held me and I said I was ok. When all their attention was on me and all my attention was on god the first few magical beats of the maestro's music came out of the audio system! We were startled for a moment! I did not hear anymore of Rahman's music cos we were screaming our lungs out! My cd was just fine! The next thing I did was thank god almighty for restoring my dreams to me! And then things went on smoothly..My turn to dance..I danced...I enjoyed every bit of the time on stage, used the stage to my heart's content, sweated my body out to entertain the audience and finally it was over. I was so satisfied, contented and happy. My freinds left. I went to change and then the others danced. I was among the audience and had great fun cheering the other dancers. The whole auditorium was echoing my happiness! Finally the results came and when my name was announced for the first prize I was the only one screaming for myself! Pride. . . The joy of winning . . .The pride of cheering for myself. . Nothing like that! Hard work pays! The next minute I was surrounded by many who came to congratulate me! I floated in the magical moments finally! Chow!

Bloggers in full swing. . .But what is it that they come up with?

Another hot day but I guess the intensity was lower today..However I was just reading a couple of blogs that I happened to see by chance and I found a major difference in the language of the corporates and we literary ppl!! Oops literally litterring us, wasn't that!! Awrite allitteration. . .whatever. . .! Poetic language vs plain yet forceful prose I guess. Worsdworthian followers will argue for the universal appeal that poetic language renders but today the terms of judgements are turning topsy turvy. I am sure no one wants poetry anymore! But language plays an important role more than the literature in it in the recent times. I am happy that there are many bloggers these days with good command over the language but somehow I did not have a sense of belonging when I read them. Not that you must have that kind of a feeling but that trait is there in almost every neurotic poet!! Can't help it! And what do they write on? Guys write about girls and girls write about guys and what's the point that they are making? Never waste time on the opposites!? Bahh! I tell you, just go back to Darwin's theory of evolution, to Thiruvalluvar's mind boggling lines of wealth of knowledge, to the epics and everything that spoke of the instinctual liking for the opposites! I agree that we need not overdo things when a girl or a guy passes by us but just "Be yourself" and you will get the best partners! Alright why am I even explaining?! And about tips to get boy frens and gal frens, and warnings against the same, And then now it is Slumdog Millionaire by all ...Bloggers should come up with somethin new rather than give out what has already been discussed or what is already known to everyone through a series of generations! I wish they "Share their daily life experiences" more than talking about stuff that's already cooked and eaten well by all! For all you know you may be the creator of something extraordinary!! Chow!

The summer heat is in. . .

The Summer heat has started in Chennai and this afternoon I did the greatest mistake of trying to save 25 rs and walked home instead of going in an auto. I had sipped a soft drink at the railway station to cool me down and moisten my parched lips. And so I went walking in the thought that the soft drink would work till I get home. By the time I reached home I was exhausted and the only thing I wanted to do was CRASH! And that's what I did after drinking a bottle full of water. I woke up to a severe burning sensation within me and I could not sit or stand or walk. I drank cold milk and sat under the shower for about half an hour and only then I felt better. The dreadful summer has already brazed out its harmful tentacles and I was it's first catch, I assume! Horrible summer day! But the worst is yet to come so all you chennaiites pls take precautions and get prepared to face the blaze! Chow!

In my shell. . cosy and comfortable. . .

Today I was reading my project novel right from the morning till evening forgetting food and water..Dil gira dafatan in the background..I would have listened to it atleast 200 times ..I rewound times again..A.R is mind boggling..I wonder how humans could create such music.. He must have descended right down fom the heavens above! I was very apprehensive of my surrounding today as the house was full again after a long "comfortable" gap..Now I understood why I clung to my book all day long till evening..It was my only means to remain in my shell..something that I have never done in my life, and that which I enjoy doing now and dare not to go out of the boundary it draws around me. . .

Thoughts stirred. . .

It is true indeed that we are all beggars begging for alms from others under the supreme power of the creator who posseses all wealth..It is scary as it questions the idea of our very existence! However it is the ideal pathway to achieve wealth...i.e enlightenment of the mind, body and soul. Purity is the ultimate jewel a human being can get if he or she chooses to serve himself or herself and thereby serve god. People say you sometimes can see god in others. I saw god in a child as I sat in the park near my home musing upon life's movement from the past till the present. Divine smile. . .And then I realised that Ilayaraja's song pichaipathiram was flashing across my mind. Athanai selvamum un idathil naan pichaiku povadu evvidathil..Amazing lines that stirred my thoughts for a while this evening. . .and hence the blog!

A rainbow outside my window!!

Today I organised my day well that I actually had food on time! ..Thrice a day! I was surprised and happy at my development ..I had dance practise in the evening and it was so refreshing..Last evening I found I could not even move after a few steps but today I did a good job..We choreographed bout half the song and I was happy. .I had my eye mask ordered..Oh by the way I have a programme on the 26th and Im gearing up for it..! Went to the temple this evening and thanked god for the sudden but good turn of events as I had expected this to be a bad day!!! Got a seminar tomo..Like...this one is about behaviorism theory in English language teaching and I have no clue about it though I have been handling students for the past few months!!! But I've prepared well kinds...Well as of now I can see a rainbow after those slow depressing showers!! Hope it stays on!! Chow!

Just me and Iron maiden . . . !!!! Awessssome is the word!!!!!!!!!!

And so...!!! A glorious century made by me today..This is my 100th blog !!!!!!! and im having a blast over here!..Just me and iron maiden!..nothing like RRRRRRock music which lifts u up from all ur weakness and sets ur dampened soul on fire..! Shiny thanks for referring to the iron maiden! Im loving it..A new wakening to life from the loooooong hibernation!!!! I dint realise it all these days ..I was so much into it and now im planning to soar up..Soar up with full strength..beat all odds in life and get all of it done!! And I am gonna fight this out myself...With just my spirit for support...Come what may! . . . Cheers to me!!!!

The little girl in the rain. . .

I can still remember the little girl,
Out there in the rain,
Happy that her tears were not seen,
Shivering to her bones,
Out in the wild night,
The night did not scare her,
It was the blurred sight of her loved one going away,
That scared her.
He left her in the darkness,
Confident that she would find her way.
He was so right,
Just to himself.
Little that she was,
She turned around to spot a pebble to play,
No pebbles to be found around, she turned to see,
If any orphan pup would be found in the rain,
Like the one found in all fairy tales,
No pup to be found, she ran about in the muddy puddles,
Splashing water, this time on no one,
but herself. . .
The water dripped off her white sleeves,
And the ends of her petticoat,
And her lovely baby hair that hung til her shoulders,
And so did that blurred sight. . .

Thinkin hard on a tiry evening. . .

Everyone thinks that marriage should happen only between a man and a woman..Here they think of it only in physical terms...i.e man needs a woman or vice versa. We miserably fail to think it in terms of emotions where in one needs a partner to share ones feelings. Marriage is a word that has deep meaning in it. It means sharing a true bondage for a lifetime. This bondage could be with anyone or anything, be it human or animal. A partner for life can be the profession you have chosen, a pet dog or cat, or even an inanimate thing that could make you move ahead amidst all the crap of this materialistic world! It is true that a man and woman should be physically satisfied but it can happen only when there is complete surrender that blossoms out of pure love. If it is not so we are never going to enjoy anything in life with that partner. It is sin to get committed to someone for a lifetime through marriage and then not keep up to that committment. Though problems might seem to be passing clouds in a married life, for some individuals enlightenment of the fact that they can never reciprocate feelings back to their partner would have dawned upon them at some turning point in life even before getting married. Everything is a phase. People who are hard hearted could suddenly turn the opposite and VICE VERSA. However the traits in their genes when they were born or rather when they were inside their mother's womb would never be replaced by another trait or traits, try as hard as they might. But change occurs and maybe some are comfortable with it and some may go back to the old ways. It all depends on what kind of life they want and how they feel in that life. There are cases where they are drowned and lost in emotions and risen in life in becoming the opposite. Life is teaching new things daily. It is experiences that make us move ahead in life and make us take decisions in life. Emotions are there in everyone and it is the key factor to living a healthy stable life but it can be related to anyone or anything in this world, not necessarily to someone in the opposite sex through marriage. Marriage is the union of two souls..But remember music has soul, animals have soul, every belief has a soul it it..Its not just human beings that have soul..! This does not mean that I am against marrying! It is the duty of every writer to bring out the truth to the society which is unfortunately, decaying without realising it!

"Sentenced to live"- How true. . .

As I was flipping through the pages of the Hindu paper this morning I caught sight of a fabulous heading.."SENTENCED TO LIVE"..It was about the film Naan Kadavul..The caption disturbed me for a long time, but what attracted me was the sense that was incorporated in it which could be viewed for both sides of the coin of life. It could be a positive where the one is specially chosen and sentenced to live to destroy adharma in the materialistic world or it could be negative where one is caught up in the worldly existence and has no way of escape from it.. Sometimes we are just forced to live this life which we think is meaningful. There is this position where you realise that all your life you have lived for others and feel bad for it. But since you have been living like that you have got accustomed to it and you now try to forgo your ego that you cannot live for yourself but whoaa..... you realise that you cannot do that...you just cant get to live anymore for others nor can you live for yourself now. Forgiveness is the virtue of god..Im human..That's what I call being sentenced to live!

What did I think on a lazy afternoon?

As I lay on my bed this afternoon, I wanted to have a glimpse of the world just outside my window ...From the sights, I realised that it had been quite sometime I did that!..The coconut tree swayed itself in dismay..It had no strength to brave the strong wind...or maybe even the gentle breeze too, it was dwindling in every sense..But what amused me the most was the two inmates of the old, sick and ready to fall, poor tree..A crow couple..Both jet black ... supposed to be a good omen.."Two for joy" they call it..Probably those creatures saw me looking at them and sighed saying, "One for sorrow"!!!! Well, U'll never know!! The world for you is just your perception..Others around you could have their own perception, be it humans or....crows!!!

Danny Boyle and A.R..amazin work..!

Slumdog Millionaire makes me think I should have been born in the slums out there..not cos I wld become a milllionaire someday like Dev, but what an adventurous life!!!!! No time to think bout what U dont have..! Always on the look out for something new..sometimes its food, sometimes its shelter..Once again I fall at your feet god A.R.Rahman!! His music does something to my soul !!

Trial and error method. . .

Today I had invited friends home..just to try out and see if i could feel happy when they are around..Yes all of them were happy.. except me..I laughed with them, cooked for them, entertained them as the goody goody hostess..but that emptiness was not letting me go..the day ended and I was back to square one..Tomo onwards back to college...again no excitement despite having people who considers me important out there..Somehow lost trust in every human being..I tried reading the materials my prof sent across to me but no luck..i just could not read beyond seven words..And the seven words that I read, I dint understand. . .Been getting job offers from outside Chennai..felt the itch to make good my escape from all familiar things and beings...This is getting nowhere..

Lines for accompanying the lonely. . .

Tu hain yahan, tu hai wahan,

meri nazar jaaye jahaan,

tujhe chahti hoon kis tarah,

Mein janoo naa ke kis tarah..

saayapan ki rehti hoon,

har dam mein tere peeche,

kehti hoon koi pooche,

hui hui mein . .. .!!!

Lovely lines for the lonely beings. . .!!

What exactly is this??!!

With no one around you, with music flowing from the system, with just daylight entering your room through the windows to give you company, when you still feel you are in crowd with just these, what do you call that feeling? No one at home..that was what I wanted, and I am so happy, beyond words, but I still feel i'm not left alone..That bliss of solitude that I expected to wade in is nowhere...I can hear the sound of the mob charging against me, with stones, with words, with stares of total indifference, with smiles flashing now and then that has countless connotations...But I enjoy the show sitting in one corner of my cotless room..Seems like I have a lot of space to dance about, to do what I want, but I just sit in the corner and watch the show as the seconds and the minutes pass . . . !

Trainer. . .

Today I began my career as a trainer.. Felt very happy, but some kind of an emptiness which held me from drowning in my happiness. Positive sign of course but i did not like it..As I signed the voucher to get my cash I felt no excitement surge through, as though my toil meant nothing.. However I was satisfied with my job and got a lot of friends ( students). There were students from all over Tamil Nadu as well as places like South Africa too.. And then one of my juniors from school too!.. I know that by now the news wld have spread to everyone at school.. Small world we live in! There were mischievous guys , one or two of them..They could not stop from showing heroism when a young trainer ahem...whatever..! I am beginning to lose words for prose...Better stop it for now..Darkness engulfs...oops..chow!

There is a world around you. . .

The inner voice provokes me,

Keep to your world, win and float in the winning,

Comfort within the walls of your room,

Not within the walls of your heart,

There is a beginning for every end,

And an end to every beginning,

Stars that shone and guided my way through,

Have gone on errands for others,

Forgetting that I am beginning to lose my way in the darkness,

Birds that sang songs to make me sleep,

Have now flown to the fair,

Forgetting that i have woken up and I am now looking around,

Flowers that amused me are now wound in satin ribbons,

In bouquets for the worthy ones,

Forgetting that I am the owner, the rightful one,

Even tears which once flowed down my cheek,

Now refuse my irresistable offers.

Pleasure in thousand forms come before me,

They seek me, they crave for me, they want me to plunge into them,

Now the inner voice strenghtens, in tone and power,

It says yield, with forceful contempt,

It asks me to look at myself,

But it cannot overpower the beginnings,

And it will never overpower the beginnings. . .

Life with the lifeless. . .

She wants to be alone,all by herself, just the wall, her haircut and the tune in her lips
But not others around her,
She was the doll of every eye,
But how does it change when she suddenly turns old?
Old enough to look out for herself,
Old enough for living a life amidst reality,
Out of fantasies, out of imaginations,
And that's when the truth dawns on her,
The illusion..The depth of love, care, cleverness, affection,
Those wide smiles, open arms that welcomed her and the cute hugs,
That familiar warmth in which was wrapped a bag of lies,
Which blinded her big eyes, her big dreamy eyes,
Where's the one who gave her peace in the form of a lifeless bear?
Where's the one who gave her peace in the form of a dangling cockroach?
Where's the one who gave her peace in the form of words written on water?
Where's the one who gave her peace in the form of loads of books?
Where's the one who showed her the ripon building?
Where's the one who gave her peace in the form of red red flowers?
Where's the one who gave her peace in the form of a blue ribbon?
No she forgets. . .The red ribbon, NOOOO ...the green ribbon.
Yes the green ribbon. . .which held her pony tails when she went to school
They were all beautiful to her big dreamy eyes,
Not the ones, but what they gave and what they showed,
Those sights and experiences. .
And so she reaped the benefit of seeking solace from lifeless things,
The benefit of relying on the lifeless things forever,
A life with the lifeless. . .
You can talk, they never talk back,
You can hurl them down, and they still remain yours,
You can cry and they won't show a different face nor spew venom,
You can tel nice things and stare at their constant faces,
Ah! Now that's the word, "Constant"...
That which we humans are not, the lifeless are..
She loves this life.. . with the lifeless. . .
She has a weapon against the bag of lies. . .a deadly weapon that spews not venom, but love!

For you son. . .

What do u do when your son is lying before you?

Who's flesh is your flesh. ..

He lies showing his back to you, he is sleeping,

His bare body tempts u to slit that pointed knife?

U cld draw vengeance there and it wil be coloured by itself,

No use of paint or brush is needed. .

A sense of triumph? You await it..that second when the blood will ooze out,

But when you end up rustling his hair instead..

What is in you? He sleeps in peace,

Letting a faint smile cos he knows he is secure in your love,

Now you think you can do it, When he smiles,

That wil be pure vengenace, letting him die when he smiles,

You admire the contours of your fair palm on his dark hair,

Every rustle brings forth more temptation , to kill,

You hear the swish of the weapon, the violin too,

And then the sweet voice of your daughter,

Yet all what you can do is wait for the slit that will end the sorrows,

Both yours and his..

My lovely blue. . .

Today my teacher asked me to imagine colours,
So i tried imagining,
Hues of green, orange, blue. . .
Oops a little bit of grey and then of course black,
Then shades of white, later red and then shallow yellow,
Purple, violet and stable brown.
Is that blue comin again? And then white and then red?
I did not like white and red,
But blue was lovely. . .
I kept imagining blue for a while longer,
And then for a little while longer and then forever. . .
'Now try taking it out of you' says my teacher,
What?! How can i?
And miss said i have to. . .
And i told her alright,
So i erased blue,
but it remained indelible,
It won't budge,
Its stubborn,
Blue does not look on red blood.
Atleast the colour combination is bad but it just won't budge,
I liked that nature, never yielding, stubborn, adamant,
That's me, i saw in blue, myself,
So i cherished it in me though miss said take it out.
I still have blue, i will imagine it forever. . .

Apologies. . .

There are some moments when you want the earth to swallow you up..especially when you get to know that you made someone wait the whole day...Why dint it flash across my mind even once today..my schedules? no....Then?...I realise I am part of a mechanical world..why blame only the guys in the IT sectors?.. anyone can be busy and forget their important appointments with their dear ones..Sorry mam..I just feel the whole earth swalows me up now! :-( ..but wait..hold on your wicked laughter all you losers..We are going out tomo.. Hi fi mam! :-)

Ragged on train. . .!

Today i experienced what ragging is..I had wanted to be a victim when i was doing my UG at ethiraj, considering the fact that it is part of college life, but now i regret for wishing it. A group of eight guys(chk the numerology!) all around me..me a tiny little sparrow between them, caught in a train compartment. They thought i was a small girl and evn aftr disclosing the fact that i was their super senior i found not even the slightest change either due to surprise or anything else. I forgot what language to speak and the words were mumbled through my mouth..all of them kept looking at me as though they are seeing a woman for the first time and all through the tedious 40 mins journey not one pair of eyes looked away from me. The comments were mainly centred around my hairstyle, my english, my eyes..and of course everyone were enjoying the party at my expense..So u can imagine what the whole thing was like! Chow. . .!

Untimely birth..

And another added year to my life..the numerology was bad this year..close approximate to disaster...but again Thanked god for everything..hoped for nice things in life...but the hollowness could not allow me to cope with the day..An empty store room with no colourful chocolates..no wake up calls but the standard beep of my cel phone..no butterflies in the stomach..no familiar voices...a chilly morning with an unusual power cut.. Embarrassments by way of bday wishes..i remained oblivious as much as possible..but can u stop the human senses?..This day means a lot to others..definitely not to me..and what is worse i have inernals from tomo onwards..In my beginning is my end..thanks one and all..Chow..

Claustrophobia. . .it can get you nowhere. . .

Sometimes we just don't want to talk to anyone fearing that we may become dependant on them for anything else that wil cross our lives, be it sorrows or happiness. Losing our individulity is one thing we never want to compromise. And if it is one of ur close friends then the deciding part is tougher but i guess it is better to decide from your own standpoint so that the means and end wil be justified. Life can just get better for nothing and yet we relish the movement of life more than the purpose or the goal. I recently came to such a trial in my life and it seemed easy for me to chuck the friend but to have my friend back is claustrophobic. Again. . . i did not find the logic behind this wierd stimulus in me. I am living in the new world where the conversations are with myself..i tel myself how cute the baby is at the railway station, how wonderful the sambar vada is at the canteen, how nauseating it is to sit in a two hour special class on saturdays, how awful life would be if i don't try to get placed somewhere, how different things would have been if i had taken advantage of others instead of just allowing myself to be taken advantage of, how i had been blind to the fact that i was a bloody dependant all these years and that the issue popped into the family just a month ago, how i must plan my life to fight all odds, how to fix an appointment with my profs and get my project work done, how loneley a person can get when you are amidst a crowd, and many more. . . I tell all this to myself now..And relish in the movement of life more than the purpose..Its a lesson for a lifetime! Chow. . .

Epiphany..once again. . .

And so for the umpteenth time in my life i have forsaken what i wanted though it sounded stupid to everyone and even the person concerned..Not for my sake but for people around me and i am still trying to find out the logic behind it as i always used to do when i used to give up my little wishes in life..For those who are wondering what this is all about Just FORGET IT! I am born with certain instincts and emotions which shows up when situations demand them however hard i try to repress or supress them. After all not anybody else can be me. It it were like that, i would have sought solace in that somebody by sharing my identity, particularly he negative one. I am happy that i can sleep peacefully with the guitar, dance classes, story writing work shops, outings when my mood goes phttttt, etc ..All these hovering about my head when i sleep and when i wake up to reality i will feel happy that i passed a whole night! I now find the difference between existing and living..I now understand what a room of my own and a field of my own means..I now understand what it is to forsake your own choices not only at the expense of my own suffering but others too and what it means to a lot of others..I now understand what it feels like hugging the teddy that someone special gifted you and what amount of comfort that lifeless thing can give you despite having human beings around..I now understand what it is to be the youngest and the favourite of the family..I now understand how nice it would be to take off to a no man's island..I now understand the pangs of being weak and passing it on to someone who cares for you..All this does not matter.. do they? If it matters it is only to myself and i now understand that i have no one else other than me to take care of me..love me truly..be affectionate..take me out, and fulfil my wishes. I find myself to be comfortable with me today..i love myself..call it narcissism...self love..selfishness..whatever you want to..Atleast i am not the cause for someone to be disgusted..am i? Now that's what i call a true epiphany! A big sorry..days wil pass..believe me they wil just pass if u be happy with things hovering bout ur head while u sleep..Dreams are not so expensive as feelings .and the best part is no one will know bout it. . Chow . .