The time things settled into me..

So it was around 8 pm on the 11th of dec,2012..a nice and quiet evening at our cosy condo where we had moved in just two months back then, that something sort of a cramping started..I assumed it to be gas and took whatever I had to get relief but it only got worse, well I would not say worse but still since the whole experience of labour cramping was new to me and also cos my tolerance to pain was zero I thought I should hit the hospital right away..I did not want my baby to undergo any sort of distress and more so ever I wanted to be checked no matter what..Atleast they could tell me if I was progressing towards labour..Meanwhile I had tried ways to soothe the pain, walking, soaking in a warm bubble bath, squatting, yoga and even acupressure..when all of it seemed useless we thought its better to go..  But after getting dressed up and also getting other people around me dressed up I felt it was too early to go..I knew they would send me back home if nothing was considerably at peak point so I told everyone to hang on..At around 1:20 am early in the morning I decided I would go to the hospital anyway as the pain did not get any better nor did it allow me to sleep.. Rather than walking like a ghost around the house I had better go to a place where I can make sure that both my baby and me were doing good.. So we hired a taxi and were on our way to the hospital..It was the night of 12-12-12 and I was excited that my baby could be born on a lucky date..On the way I could see all the decorations for christmas and plunged myself into mixed feelings of joy as well as anxiety for it seemed as though the whole of Toronto was getting prepared to greet my baby.. Ok I know I was thinking too far ahead but at the back of  my head I really thought I would be heading home with my newborn after two days..

So we reached the hospital and once we got in we were welcomed with a heat wave that was difficult to handle..there was not a soul in sight at the usually crowded hospital ( cos I always went there during day) and the heaters were really at the highest level inside..we buzzed for the birthing unit and went to the triage or the emergency maternity ward.. After the initial formalities of filling out a form that confirmed my health status I was heartily admitted into one of the observatory rooms..I was strapped for monitoring my baby as well as my contractions and I felt everything was in pacing in the right manner.. I was squirming with abdominal pain and one of the duty nurses came in to get the details..She seemed a tiny weeny little human being incapable of seeing the world like we did cos she was so tiny that I felt she could not see enough around.. I had my cervix checked and we waited for them to tell us if anything at all was going ahead.. Much to our disappointment and my frustration she said we could go home now cos the contractions seemed ok to tolerate and that it was not yet time for labour.. she explained the contraction graph and the baby's ecg and all that which fell onto my deaf ears.. I mean that was not what I wanted to hear.I had heard all of that before ...Anyhow so after all that hope and anticipation the dejected three of us headed home in a taxi.. This time the decorations seemed quite annoying to me..I was still in pain, but nowhere near labour and was going home where I would be strapped down with my own fears and anxieties.. It was 5 in the morning and I was widely sleepless like a zombie..
So that's when things really settled in me .. that labour pain was going to be more painful, that I had to be patient with the present pain and that I should support my baby who still loved to hang around in my uterus without complaining....looking up to god for help..Ciao.. 

At the edge of everything...

Each milestone that we crossed together in these nine months seemed quite fast now that she was full term and ready to plop out. As for me I was only looking forward to pop as the sleeplessness and the anxiety started getting to my nerves. I wondered how tough it is for me to be patient in these last few days when I was taking it as it comes all these nine months. I read tons of articles on how to deal with an overdue tummy and how not to give up hopes of naturally going into labour and still love my baby despite the millions of discomforts she was causing me. It seemed really tough, especially the last two weeks, although it sounds like a small period of time it spread across like years. Every twinge I felt raised my hopes of getting to the hospital to see her but disappointment and discouragement was what was in store of me as the contractions disappeared in no time.
Meanwhile people around you can really stimulate your frustration by asking if I have already delivered and if I had forgotten to update them. I was at the edge of everything so I decided to pen down something so that the bad feeling drains down. So after the first few months got done I was relieved that the most horrid part of my pregnancy was done with. I mean there were times I thought my 2 cm baby would come out through my throat as I bent over to throw up for the umpteenth time in a day. The second trimester introduced me to gassing up, bloated tummy, tightened uterus, breathlessness and of course the nausea still hung around like a lover. My mother arrived in Canada like a god sent angel. I remember how guilty I felt of leaving my grandmum to my father's care with just a home nurse for help.I still cannot imagine what I would have reduced to if she was not around. We tried to go out for small walks in the park outside and also managed to talk about various things that we felt about our pregnancies. The appointments with my obstetrician was not very interesting but it still happened regularly, starting from monthly to biweekly and then once every week towards the end. Beautiful that she was, somehow she failed to instill the sense of security that you would find in your doctor. First of all she had no time to listen to my problems, I mean being a first time mommy I had countless questions in mind. I would hope to get them answered from her everytime I visited her but in vain.
The third trimester was full of heartburn, gassing up, feeling heavy, pressure in the groin, back pain and to top it all I was experiencing a terrible headache for almost a month. I went to emergency cos of the headache but all they said was to take tylenol which went over my head. I hated my hospital, I hated my doctor, I hated myself for putting myself in such a situation. The ultrasounds were avoided in the last trimester which was really boring cos atleast I could see her in an ultrasound. Now it was just the routine blood pressure check, doppler check and goodbyes.
I lost my sleep completely in the last week. I felt nervous about going into labour but I wanted to get there as soon as possible. I was stressed out. I tried to divert my mind by soaking in long warm baths but it never really helped. Sandeep was busy with work as it was the year end so it was like I was invisible for him. I could not blame him but I certainly missed being attended by him and often found solace in youtube videos of distressed mums to be. The heavier I got it became more difficult for me to move around. My whole like changed and friends said when the baby comes its gonna change again and that time for the worst. That was definitely encouraging. I could not listen to music cos it seemed annoying, I could not walk around and do the stuff I wanted to cos standing up from where I sat seemed like a herculean task. So basically the body never went where the mind went and that was nerve wrecking.
I know as I am typing this I have avoided to mention a countless other complaints I had and have right now but it seems meaningless to go on like this forever. My fingers are crossed, my eyes are up to god and my hopes of seeing my little one are extremely high even now no matter what. . Lets wait and see what happens.. Ciao.