The time things settled into me..

So it was around 8 pm on the 11th of dec,2012..a nice and quiet evening at our cosy condo where we had moved in just two months back then, that something sort of a cramping started..I assumed it to be gas and took whatever I had to get relief but it only got worse, well I would not say worse but still since the whole experience of labour cramping was new to me and also cos my tolerance to pain was zero I thought I should hit the hospital right away..I did not want my baby to undergo any sort of distress and more so ever I wanted to be checked no matter what..Atleast they could tell me if I was progressing towards labour..Meanwhile I had tried ways to soothe the pain, walking, soaking in a warm bubble bath, squatting, yoga and even acupressure..when all of it seemed useless we thought its better to go..  But after getting dressed up and also getting other people around me dressed up I felt it was too early to go..I knew they would send me back home if nothing was considerably at peak point so I told everyone to hang on..At around 1:20 am early in the morning I decided I would go to the hospital anyway as the pain did not get any better nor did it allow me to sleep.. Rather than walking like a ghost around the house I had better go to a place where I can make sure that both my baby and me were doing good.. So we hired a taxi and were on our way to the hospital..It was the night of 12-12-12 and I was excited that my baby could be born on a lucky date..On the way I could see all the decorations for christmas and plunged myself into mixed feelings of joy as well as anxiety for it seemed as though the whole of Toronto was getting prepared to greet my baby.. Ok I know I was thinking too far ahead but at the back of  my head I really thought I would be heading home with my newborn after two days..

So we reached the hospital and once we got in we were welcomed with a heat wave that was difficult to handle..there was not a soul in sight at the usually crowded hospital ( cos I always went there during day) and the heaters were really at the highest level inside..we buzzed for the birthing unit and went to the triage or the emergency maternity ward.. After the initial formalities of filling out a form that confirmed my health status I was heartily admitted into one of the observatory rooms..I was strapped for monitoring my baby as well as my contractions and I felt everything was in pacing in the right manner.. I was squirming with abdominal pain and one of the duty nurses came in to get the details..She seemed a tiny weeny little human being incapable of seeing the world like we did cos she was so tiny that I felt she could not see enough around.. I had my cervix checked and we waited for them to tell us if anything at all was going ahead.. Much to our disappointment and my frustration she said we could go home now cos the contractions seemed ok to tolerate and that it was not yet time for labour.. she explained the contraction graph and the baby's ecg and all that which fell onto my deaf ears.. I mean that was not what I wanted to hear.I had heard all of that before ...Anyhow so after all that hope and anticipation the dejected three of us headed home in a taxi.. This time the decorations seemed quite annoying to me..I was still in pain, but nowhere near labour and was going home where I would be strapped down with my own fears and anxieties.. It was 5 in the morning and I was widely sleepless like a zombie..
So that's when things really settled in me .. that labour pain was going to be more painful, that I had to be patient with the present pain and that I should support my baby who still loved to hang around in my uterus without complaining....looking up to god for help..Ciao.. 

At the edge of everything...

Each milestone that we crossed together in these nine months seemed quite fast now that she was full term and ready to plop out. As for me I was only looking forward to pop as the sleeplessness and the anxiety started getting to my nerves. I wondered how tough it is for me to be patient in these last few days when I was taking it as it comes all these nine months. I read tons of articles on how to deal with an overdue tummy and how not to give up hopes of naturally going into labour and still love my baby despite the millions of discomforts she was causing me. It seemed really tough, especially the last two weeks, although it sounds like a small period of time it spread across like years. Every twinge I felt raised my hopes of getting to the hospital to see her but disappointment and discouragement was what was in store of me as the contractions disappeared in no time.
Meanwhile people around you can really stimulate your frustration by asking if I have already delivered and if I had forgotten to update them. I was at the edge of everything so I decided to pen down something so that the bad feeling drains down. So after the first few months got done I was relieved that the most horrid part of my pregnancy was done with. I mean there were times I thought my 2 cm baby would come out through my throat as I bent over to throw up for the umpteenth time in a day. The second trimester introduced me to gassing up, bloated tummy, tightened uterus, breathlessness and of course the nausea still hung around like a lover. My mother arrived in Canada like a god sent angel. I remember how guilty I felt of leaving my grandmum to my father's care with just a home nurse for help.I still cannot imagine what I would have reduced to if she was not around. We tried to go out for small walks in the park outside and also managed to talk about various things that we felt about our pregnancies. The appointments with my obstetrician was not very interesting but it still happened regularly, starting from monthly to biweekly and then once every week towards the end. Beautiful that she was, somehow she failed to instill the sense of security that you would find in your doctor. First of all she had no time to listen to my problems, I mean being a first time mommy I had countless questions in mind. I would hope to get them answered from her everytime I visited her but in vain.
The third trimester was full of heartburn, gassing up, feeling heavy, pressure in the groin, back pain and to top it all I was experiencing a terrible headache for almost a month. I went to emergency cos of the headache but all they said was to take tylenol which went over my head. I hated my hospital, I hated my doctor, I hated myself for putting myself in such a situation. The ultrasounds were avoided in the last trimester which was really boring cos atleast I could see her in an ultrasound. Now it was just the routine blood pressure check, doppler check and goodbyes.
I lost my sleep completely in the last week. I felt nervous about going into labour but I wanted to get there as soon as possible. I was stressed out. I tried to divert my mind by soaking in long warm baths but it never really helped. Sandeep was busy with work as it was the year end so it was like I was invisible for him. I could not blame him but I certainly missed being attended by him and often found solace in youtube videos of distressed mums to be. The heavier I got it became more difficult for me to move around. My whole like changed and friends said when the baby comes its gonna change again and that time for the worst. That was definitely encouraging. I could not listen to music cos it seemed annoying, I could not walk around and do the stuff I wanted to cos standing up from where I sat seemed like a herculean task. So basically the body never went where the mind went and that was nerve wrecking.
I know as I am typing this I have avoided to mention a countless other complaints I had and have right now but it seems meaningless to go on like this forever. My fingers are crossed, my eyes are up to god and my hopes of seeing my little one are extremely high even now no matter what. . Lets wait and see what happens.. Ciao. 

The Devil

I stuffed my head under the pillow so tight that I could hardly breathe. With every far stretched attempt I would gather all the air again and then stick my head deep into the pillow this time never to give up. Of course I would check every fraction of a second if someone was heading my way as I did not have a room for myself. All I could see was the fluorescent lamp lit dimly and an emptiness that I could not comprehend.

At school, he told me,” Just dig ur head into a pillow and hold your breath until you can’t puff air into your lungs and you would die.”

The idea seemed painless and effortless.  And I sat under the large tree for lunch and gobbled away thinking of the peaceful sleep I would sink into that evening. Summer was distorted. It rained a bit now and then and the whole atmosphere was dampened in gloominess. I hated the smell of moist algae. The frogs croaked their lungs out as though this was their last day. The next hour was mathematics but I was not frightened this time. I had to just wait until I got home and snuggle under my pillow.

My math teacher asked us to solve a problem. One that wanted children to twist their usually straight brains. All math problems were greater problems in my life. They seemed to entangle me all over like a stubborn and persistent creeper. It felt like being sucked out by a parasite. I was a front bencher as I was one of the short statured girls in class. One of the most distressing and dreadful places for a math hater was the first bench. The lazy teachers would never step between rows and go behind to check on the girls who would admire pictures of their boyfriends or scratch their nails to shape them. I pretended I was solving it with all the involvement in the world. My teacher came to me as though she smelt the most delicious perfume out of me. I knew I was wrong and she knew too. I had to kneel down and solve. Kneeling down was not tough. I always kneeled in math class. I kneeled but the problem remained unsolved. I was then asked to go high atop everyone. Standing on the bench always made the classroom look much smaller. It felt like I was not among the two plaited girls who were scurrying into their notebooks for no purpose. I felt nervous as my teacher came to me. She gave one look at my book and then at me. The next minute the book was on the floor. I think I urinated cos the next thing I remembered was the house keeping at school giving me a skirt in exchange for my wet one. My decision was now firm. I would suffer no more mockery.

At home I jumped and squeezed myself into the pillow in vain. I went to the public library and pulled out encyclopaedias that told me what I wanted to know. “ Can someone die  if they held their own breath under a pillow?”

It was like the whole world laughing at me. The whole library was laughing at me. I knew I would stab the dumbass who instilled the brilliant idea into me the next day.

Math was always a problem. It remained a mystery why we had to know how many oranges were left in the basket if three of them shared more than half the basket. My world was different. I could speak four languages. I could sing and dance. I rode my bicycle the fastest. There was no story book around that I did not read. I knew everything about the human body. Somehow all this dint matter. Math made me feel I was insignificant and unfit to survive. Math the devil….

The most happiest day in my life was when I passed out of tenth grade. I said goodbye to math, burnt the textbooks and ate a whole a chocolate cake to celebrate. That was life. I was surrounded by a string of supreme power that would save me from any humiliation further.

Math had its own ways of haunting me. But it has never bothered me like it did till I graduated from high school. I laugh at myself when I look back at the days I wanted to pull down the saree of my math teacher cos she threw a chalk at me for day dreaming in math class. I was really calculating with my toes too cos my fingers were not enough. Little did she know how involved I was to solve the problem. I could not pull down her saree but I managed to sprinkle ink on it from my fountain pen. I loved it when I saw the blotch grow bigger.

The geometry case was the biggest treasure I had. I had a collection of leaves and flowers in it which I personally collected from the school ground and I could not move them to a different place. I dismounted the protractor and the sets squares from it and hid them somewhere. I don’t remember where, until today. My teachers gave up on me and that was my biggest victory. I was happy that they understood my hatred towards this specimen. They thought I was hopeless but I was happy. It mattered the most… 

Been such a long day !! Anyone would wonder I was busy the whole day.. But no.. Things were quite the contrary.. Jobless..already committed and not studying anyhting for the moment.. That's what I call the abyss of hell!!

Just for memory sake. .

So I keep asking mom each day about how she felt during her pregnancy and what advise she could offer me for the various changes I was undergoing..and she complained about not remembering anything for it was almost 25 years ago.. she wished she had written it down somewhere and used it now as reference..she wished blogging was there back then.. and so since I am carrying a girl and time would definitely come for me to listen to her woes ( of course I know I am thinking far too ahead!!) and I would have to give my expertise to her so just for memory sake I thought about the various changes I have been going through these months and thought to jot them down just in case!!

So I remember distinctly the beginning was a bout of vomiting that lasted for almost four to five months...I thought I was about to die.I really thought that I would not survive it any longer. I was hospitalised for dehydration and of course constipation too. I was close to being a bloodhound for my nasal sensitivity was as high as in I could smell tobacco from the cigar of my neighbour in the lower floors of my apartment..I vomited when the mustard or fenugreek spluttered in the pan in the kitchen.. I hated the smell of boiled rice.. I had strange cravings like wanting to write with a fountain ink pen and such.. Yeah now you know what I am talking about.. !! lol! I wanted gooseberries all the while..I would munch away atleast three or four in a day..I loved anything that was sour. I ate a lot of raw mangoes, strawberries, cherries and anything that was sour including hajmola.. Mornings were always a weight on me.I could not get up before 11 and I still slept through the day.Haemorrhoids were another menace during pregnancy and I had a tough time fighting them. I had to drink fibre drinks that tasted a lil better than gutter! I dint show much of the baby bump until the seventh month and I started feeling the kicks at about my 23rd week.I pee'd like a dozen times a day.. I had strange dreams and had sleeping problems once the 6th month settled in. My gums were weak and somedays I bled while I brushed my teeth and my hair growth was crazy.. I developed dark circles in mid pregnancy and gained about 10 to fifteen kilos in total until delivery. I ate rice like four times a day..The most comfortable position to sleep was on my stomach which I could not do so I missed sleeping comfortably.

So these were just few of the many changes and I am still waiting to get done with it.. right now I am just dealing with them!! Ciao.. 

Quickening or just a splurge of emotions?

So I am still wading in the preggo glow for all these days now.. but with a fairly small bump I don't look it.. people keep asking me if I am really into the 6th month.. sheeesh.. gives me the jitters at nights when I sleep to think my baby is super small.. but really what worried me the most was that I was not able to feel her yet.. I saw raised eyebrows when I said that I still did not feel the baby's movements.. and I wondered if it was cos I was not talking to her.. but really what could a first time mommy talk to her baby? I just did not have words.. and then mum came up with the idea of making her listen to music.. I remembered I had a whole play list of lullabies and soothing music on my channel on the net..

It was magical I say.. The first kick as the music filled the room.. It felt like she was dancing ballet inside me.. I could imagine her doing it and at that moment I thought I turned red from the splurge of pride..Its been four days now since I began to feel her in me.. And everytime she moves it is like a gesture .. towards one hellova ride or a rebirth? Ciao.. 

June 29th ..its been a year since I came to Toronto and what a way of celebrating it.. Had to go to a hospital to get some fluids down my body.. Went through a series of tests that were not really comfortable.. but what made my day was my baby's jumping around.. Just recovering from dehydration and constipation that completely devastated me.. But the ultrasound seemed worth it.. Cant the days pass fast? Cant wait to get done with the whole adventure.. Mommy is coming down and it seems like a blessing.. I still look petite with a slight bump.. counting the days... ciao!

Yes or no

Last afternoon I did something which according to people around me is really funny but to me it was like playing a game of dice with the supreme power itself.. I would shuffle the chits and put them before him and then ask him to give me the best out of it.. and oh my was'nt I overjoyed at the answer? I could look at his eyes and feel the divinity glow inside my womb... the test kit came to me in the evening as a sign of happiness and prosperity thereafter..nevertheless I dint get too excited this time.. I knew I could wait until the next day to test.. I was one of those who knew it all after spending enough on home test kits and then sinking down in depression.. meanwhile the little aches and pains bothered me and signalled to me tht I would be painted all red soon...

So I slept like a baby and dint know it was already late in the morning while I got up.. I went to the washroom and then dashed back to the draw to pick the test.. All the while I could imagine the negative result reflect before me.. I took the test without tension..And poof I was surprised... I am still surprised.. Got to see a gyno this evening.. Ciao..