Maiden in the wilderness: July 2008

Have you ever experienced the excitement of traveling alone, especially, when it is the first time in your life?
Do you believe in your instincts?
Have you ever stayed with a person whom you know only through phone, in a city where you know no one else?
What would you do if you come to know suddenly, that the person, whom you thought would safeguard you, turns out to be weird?
What would you do if you are asked to get out of that person’s house at ten at night?
How would you react, if out of the blue, you come to know that the impression of yourself knowing everything turns out to be false?
Have you ever thought about the purpose of your life?
Read this story which narrates one of the worst nightmares in my life that happened a year ago and find answers to all the above questions. This story is about a small journey, that I undertook all alone when I was doing my final year bachelors in English literature. I am sure all you adventurous freaks would find it worth reading. I have exaggerated to a certain extent here and there in the story as is typical of any storyteller; however I have tried to make it as humorous as possible.
I apologize to all the characters I have mentioned in this story to have taken the liberty to include you and also do the same if I have kindled in you, a spirit to murder me.
I would like to thank all my dear ones who have helped me accomplish this task. My special thanks to the head of the Dept of English of my college Dr.Mrs.Padma Ravindran for putting in me the idea of making this story. My heartfelt thanks to my friends who had patiently read this and spared me, suggesting me to go ahead and write more. Thanks to my parents and my brother who have never complained till date about me denying access to them to my room, for their needs. They have always encouraged and supported me in all my endeavours. My special thanks to my brother Rahul for placing confidence in me and lending me his laptop. And finally thanks to the unseen Almighty who influences every move of my life.
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“Will you check the date and time of journey on your ticket Shriya. You seem to be least bothered about it”.
I could hear mom’s words amidst the pressure cooker’s whistle. Oh god! Not again..
.”Mom...you are telling this for the hundredth time. I just can’t take it anymore”.
Indeed, she had been honking the same horn for nearly four days, continuously. I kept my cool though she continued, but not now… not when I was reading John Saul.
The fact was that I had to go to Vijayawada that weekend and I had to go alone. I had never been out of city alone anytime and this time there was no other alternative. Grandma was sick at home and mom had to be with her. Dad had just recovered from a bad cold and fever and he hardly had any casual leave to take so he could not accompany me. His company would just collapse if he didn’t go to office! Rahul, was not allowed to take an off as he was only a trainee at his workplace, so there was no question of him coming with me. The mission was simple. I had to go to THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES which was considered one of the best institutions for language studies in the country, get to know what it was all about, buy the prospectus and model question papers, make friends at the campus and get back. It was not a ‘Herculean task’ for me and I was pretty confident that I would manage alone. All I needed was a chance to prove my capabilities and this was the right time. Chennai was getting hotter and I was delighted to steal away to a cooler place. I had the tickets bought by my neighbours who worked with one Lakshmi travels. I was thrilled to see 1 F MB 20 on my ticket. The rest of the strip of paper was blank! Usually it used to reveal the status of a whole lot of people...dad, mom, Rahul and grandma. I had never got a chance to see a ticket with just my status on it and I was proud of myself this time. I had scrutinized the ticket well and converted the details on to my database (my memory, of course!). Mom and dad were worried because I was a reputed for being the family’s ‘chatter box’. They were worried if I would get into trouble with that extremely annoying inherent quality of mine!
It was my mom all this while and now it was my phone ringing away to glory. I ran to pick it up and saw Neetu calling…I now thought it sensible to do away with the book because Neetu was of the kind who talked for hours, not knowing her existence as a hDeepikan. That was worse than me. Oops...Sorry Neetu!
“Hullooo!”
It was Neetu’s usual striking beginning which indicated that there was so much to say.
“Yeah Neetu, tell me”
“What do you mean, tell me? As though we were in the middle of a conversation. You people are becoming crazy I should say. Ok, what happened to your preparations for your adventurous solitarian trip Ms. Phulandevi?”
She thought I would get annoyed, but that’s what she thought.
“All ready”, I replied with a casual tone,” come the d day and off I’ll go. Mom dad and Rahul are all worried and you know that worry is infectious. I just don’t know how to convince them yaar”.
I could see Neetu contemplating seriously about her friend’s problem. I smiled and waited for the maestro’s solution.
“Leave that to me my friend. Worry not for my presence shall go with thee…”
I asked her to cut out the crap and suggest me a way to convince my parents and she plainly told me that she would do it for me.
” Convince Shriya’s parents? Why, Neetu would do it”, she said.
‘Gosh, I should not have told her the problem. If Neetu talked to my parents they would go to the extent of cancelling my tickets.’ I thanked her and I knew she gave me that sheepish smile. Usually she had clouds of stupid imaginations around her and got lost in the same. However I admired the girl’s affinity towards helping her friends. I distinctly remember how once she came to my help in Chemistry class at school. Both of us scored very low marks and you should have seen the difference in attitudes. I cried like I lost someone dear and was offered handkerchiefs. Neetu, with her eyebrows still raised well above in deep thought rubbing her chin said glumly, ”Sigh, she must have been under one of those unlucky stars man, otherwise why would she have had to correct two pathetic papers on organic chemistry and be down with typhoid?!” True enough, our chemistry mam was on sick leave due to typhoid then. The whole class started laughing and you can imagine how I grateful I would have been to my dear pal.
The conversation went on for the next couple of minutes. Daily affairs, the latest cosmetics in town, gossips, snubs, judgements etc were all part of it.
“Hey, hope you get to see some nice looking dudes in your compartment man!”
I could see how desperate she was, to annoy me. “Very funny, I replied, could you please hang up now Neetu? It’s been 45 minutes since we started talking. I really feel sorry for your dad dear and moreover, I was reading man!”.
“Ok, ok, sorry that I took your precious time but let me tell you one thing. You will realize my worth some day dear and that day is not far. Just remember that”. At this both of us laughed and said bye to each other.
Everyone around me were worried, even Neetu, and this gave me the creeps. I had deduced all possible risks that I could face right from robbery to kidnapping and had taught myself to be cautious but something within me kept telling me that I was in store for a different dealing. My instincts never failed me and they always proved right. Now I was really scared but I admonished it by considering it as a result of excitement.
‘Or was it really fear…?’
I did not want to think about it anymore. I tried reading Saul a little more but, some strange tension in me did not allow me to read further. I closed the book and went to sleep.
The excitement grew as the days passed and finally it was the d day. That morning, I was hooked on to Adler’s thriller when I heard mom calling out to me to get my packing done. I dusted and cleaned my blue samsonite bag, kept my ironed clothes in it along with Adler, my phone charger, comb, soap, perfume and certain other things without which my day would never be complete. I had bought a pack of sweets for Sudha mam and I placed it inside my bag eager to see her squeal with delight. I too had clouds of stupid imaginations around me and I too got lost in them sometimes!
Oh! I forgot to tell you about Sudha mam! It was at her place that I had to stay at Vijayawada. Mam was staying inside THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES’ campus and since there were no rooms available at the hostel due to some students’ strike, so I was told when I called, it was arranged that I stay at Sudha mam’s place. I was grateful to mam at her generosity and was looking forward to meet her soon. I had spoken to her on phone, a week ago and had confirmed my stay at her place. I had nothing to worry. I knew that I would be safe at her place. But something was not ok about the whole thing. I did not discuss it with mom or dad because, I would then have had to stay at home, not getting a chance to visit THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES. So I decided to keep mum about it.
Dad had taken half a day off and I was surprised because his company let him go despite the dire consequences it would face in his absence! We always teased him as he was a major workaholic that he would sometimes not realize how uncomfortable it was, for all of us. You wouldn’t want your dad to be at work all the time! He too wore a worried look. How I wished I was not a chatterbox! It was time to say goodbye to mom. She wished me good luck and administered a dose of fresh and valuable advice, which I listened, with great obedience. I did not want to say goodbye to grandma as she was well known for her Alzheimer, and if she saw me going out, she would tell all my neighbours that I eloped with a guy and guess what, my father sent me off! I definitely did not want that.
Soon we were at the station. Now I started feeling very self conscious. I felt my courage wane away from me, for I saw different people, who appeared strange to me, near my train. Obviously, they belonged to a different state which was why I felt they were different as I used to see only Malayalis near our train. We never went to any other place than Kerala. This time I saw people who belonged to a different culture. I never understood one word of Telugu nor did I comprehend their ways of living. To top it all I was going ‘ALONE’!
My inner voice told me, ‘don’t panic Shriya. People are watching you. One worried look and they will hit the nail on your head’. So I took that extra courage out of myself which seemed like what we call an exaggeration to defend myself. Luckily, I was in a ladies coupe and I felt satisfied that there were two Tamilians near me, so I could talk to them in case I wanted to ‘socialize’. I sat on the left side near the window, that being my seat. There was a girl who was about my age sitting opposite to me. I looked at her directly, expecting a hi from her for I never wanted to initiate conversations, though I badly needed one to give vent to my self consciousness. Moreover, mom had asked me to shut my trap throughout the journey. She threw a side glance at me, frowned, didn’t speak a word and looked out of the window. ‘As though Salman Khan was there’, I thought.
I suddenly felt bad. I was going to miss Chennai, mom, dad, Neetu and everything else that was nice. The two maamis inside the train were talking stories and apart from them there were two nuns who were quietly, I assumed, praying. There was another aunty with glasses thicker than a soda bottle on her freckled nose who was lost in her thoughts. I could see dad through the window on the right side. He kept glancing at his watch and me. I felt bad but I put off the idea. I was not supposed to behave like a kid. After all it was just a matter of two days. I did not want dad to go home and tell everyone that I cried as usual before the train pulled out of the station. I was thinking of dickens’ pip who wanted to be a gentleman. I looked forward to an amazing trip and my nose went up in the air.
It was time for the train to leave. It started to move slowly. Dad waved goodbye to me with a smile and that was it. I was laden with sorrow. I waved back to him with a sheepish smile. Within minutes I saw patches of green fields, thatched huts, houses, huge factories, vast lands, railway gates, electric posts and other trains pass by fastly. Again that strange feeling..I felt I was going far away from home with each passing second that ticked on my large wrist watch. The watch was a present from Neetu. I smiled. But I wondered why I was getting scared because I had looked forward to this day with a lot of excitement and had planned to enjoy my train journey in the bliss of solitude. Would I, by any chance face any problems? I dismissed the thought from my mind as quickly as it came. I had to be bold. I thought my face expression changed while I was thinking as the girl in front of me frowned again. Maybe she read my thoughts and now I did not care about mom’s advise and went ahead and smiled at her, expecting a hi back. No hi from her, forget hi, not even a smile. ‘What an insult!’ I looked around to see if anyone was watching me. Served me right for not listening to mom!
It was getting darker and the lights outside got brighter. My phone rang. It was Neetu. “Hullooooo.. hows you doins”, she asked me with that same funny accent of hers.
“So far so good”, I told her.
“Any cool dudes?”
“Oh come on, it’s a ladies coupe Neetu.”
“ Gosh! guess you are under…”
“one of those bad stars! , I completed it for her. Both of us laughed. She sensed the fear in me and asked me to be cool.
“Just have fun and don’t you dare come back without getting anything for me, mind you! Got lotsa cash on you right?”
“I am not going on an excursion madam. Guess I won’t have time to go shopping anyways I’ll try to get something for you”.
“. So, where are you now?”
“I am at a place called Tada”, said I, which reminded me that my network was on roaming. “You better say bye now or my balance will be zero.”
“Some friend! Hmmm, alright take care and call me when you get to your mam’s place. Bye sweets!”
She always relieved me of my distress. I smiled again and this time the girl in front of me confirmed that I was nuts! She didn’t have dinner, but soon crawled her way up to her berth and slept off. It was just seven thirty. I lost hopes of getting a friend on train. The maamis did not stop their chit chat. We reached a place called Somaliguda and the place left by the girl opposite to me was occupied by another girl. Her father, I saw, was a rough and tough fellow. He came with her suitcase and dropped it beneath the seat with a thud! Along with the thud we heard an aaaah! I looked around to see what had happened. The man had dropped the suitcase right on one of the maamis’ feet. She shot at the man instantly calling him uneducated and uncivilized and some other names. He roared back at her and went away. Now she looked at me and complained, “see how people are. I really don’t know where this country is going to. Unless such idiots are eliminated from the society, it is not going to improve”. I felt like I was a civil court judge and mumbled, “yeah I know, I know”. Now that I got the conversation started, of course by her, I decided to exhibit my talent of chattering! I began by telling them that I was a student of literature and that I was going to THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES to get details about getting in there for MA .I even boasted that I was a classical dancer. By dinner time, I had made everyone tired of my continuous talking.
Suddenly another aaaaah! This time it was a short scream. It was the same maami .Whatever was her problem! She pointed out to a rat beneath our feet. And now it was an aaaaaaahhhhh!!!! From all of us. I was terrified! I grabbed my blanket and sneaked to my berth. I had to take the upper berth as one of the nuns had a back ache and they wanted my middle berth. So, the generous girl was glad to give her berth to the nun. I was about to close my weary eyes to sleep when I spotted a cockroach crouching happily right on top of me. I had no choice other than to pull my blanket over me and sleep. God bless Indian railways!
I woke up to the alarm that I had set in my phone. It was four o clock. I sat upright on my berth and checked if my luggage was there. Luckily it was there. Again, God bless Indian Railways! I lay back, eyes wide open, thinking about dad, mom, Neetu and others. At around five thirty, the others woke up. I refreshed myself. It was extremely cold and the train rattled along quite fastly .At six five our train reached Vijayawada. I said bye to everyone, took my luggage and went to the auto parking .I had to stand in a queue to get into an auto. The auto inspector took my name, destination and phone number. I had to go to Gandhinagar.
‘The mind is a very strange thing. It gives great courage to you at times and just when you feel you have won the battle, it will let go’. My heart fluttered like a badly hit bird at the sight of new faces. The auto driver seemed a little pleasant, yet my heart was pounding at great speed within me. People were fully clad in woolen clothes and scarves around their heads covering their ears and necks to escape the stinging cold of the bleak hours of dawn .I was shivering as I had a worn a salwar of a flimsy synthetic material. As the auto sped through the roads of this new place where I knew no one other than mam, I reflected on the risk I took as a girl.
I made the driver think that I was not new to the place. “woh fly over hai na bhai, wahan se left lena hai..”, I told him . The man seemed bewildered for a second but soon came back to his senses and snorted out a low “ji”. It was then that I saw him chewing betel leaves. I saw his red stained teeth and at once the typical villain face flashed across my mind.’ Lots of Hindi movies these days!’ I thought.
Time seemed like years and the way seemed endless as the auto sped past shops, independent houses, multi storeyed buildings, playgrounds etc. thank god, I knew the place from what my thoughtful neighbours had explained to me back at Chennai. They had stayed in Vijayawada for quite some time and knew every nook and corner. I had drawn in my mind, pictures of the places they described that I would see on the way and it seemed to match and mismatch alternately at irregular intervals of time. Somehow I thought that I had landed in a place which was yet another haven for people, though it was the same people who were running the mad race to prosperity. A lot of philosophy ran across my mind.
It was not a very old city nor was it new. Everywhere I could see the letters in Telugu and Urdu. The roads were broad and there was very little traffic, probably due to the early hour. But still it did not resemble Chennai in the same early hour. The chill wind made me tremble. At last I could see THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES written in bold and bright letters, just a few meters ahead. What a peace of mind when you suddenly come to know that you made through what you call a “testing time!”
The watchman at the gate pointed to the main gate which was just a left turn from where we were, about five meters or so. I decided to walk and took the money out. The auto driver asked me to sit so that he could leave me at the front gate. How thoughtful, not like the rude fellows at Chennai. But, that was until he asked me for another ten rs for that five meter ride. I did not stand to fight. I gave him the extra money and took my luggage out. I looked around. Calmness pervaded every molecule of air around me. The fresh smell of tender leaves on the trees, the chill wind, the neat road and the huge entrance of THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES! Finally, I made it!
There were two men standing at the gate. I went to them and asked for Ms. Sudha. They scrutinized me from head to foot and made me feel as though I was some terrorist trying to gain entry into THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES to bomb the place. “Do you know the quarters?” asked, one of them. “D block”, I told him. The other one pointed the direction and said, “straight down and right”. I smiled a thank you and was soon on my way to mam’s place. Every footstep of mine was heard with great clarity in that strangely silent atmosphere. THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES was exposed to daylight, yet I saw no one anywhere. The campus was good. Lots of gooseberry trees, Ashoka trees and lawns here and there. It was neat and full of vegetation. There were different blocks of buildings. By then I had called mam on phone informing her that I had reached. In fact I saw her standing in her balcony from the pathway where I was walking. ‘Life seemed simple enough. A little courage and you could make it anywhere in this world’. I went up the broad stairs and soon found myself inside her house. I talked and talked for an hour or so, about the travel, the people I met in train, my impressions about the city etc. I asked her about the institution and every other thing that came to my mind. She grew tired, yet, replied in that earnest tone of a ten to fifteen years experienced professor. She told me that she was living alone and that she loved being there. Her maid servant came just then dressed in a Burkha. At Vijayawada Muslims were a major part of the population and women strictly wore Burkhas. With the Hindi and Urdu speakers and women clad in Burkhas, Vijayawada resembled Pakistan. ( my knowledge of Pakistan’s landscape and people was from TV!)
I gave the sweets to mam and she thanked me for it. No squeal of delight and I didn’t mind. I was tempted to walk around the campus. “You can very well go around the place. Go have a walk. By the way, are you coming for breakfast or are you having it at the cafeteria?” I did see the cafeteria but it was closed as it was too early and I was so hungry that I could gobble anything. So I told her that I’ll join her for breakfast. I’ll make morkali ok. I didn’t know what it was but it was food and so anything would do.
I walked down the road inside the campus. Students had not yet got up from their sleep much to my advantage as I could now observe the place with a certain level of freedom. The campus seemed still, yet was very serene and beautiful. I happened to see the administrative block, the publication unit block, the auditorium, the classrooms block, the vice chairman’s office and the library. Just as I was about to return to mam’s house I thought, why not go to the classrooms block and check out the classrooms. I saw the glass windows with light coloured curtains inside the classrooms from where I stood. I hopped up the stairs and when I was half way through I heard someone ask me, “You are from CSE ( Chennai School of English), right?”
Too amazed at the sudden question of recognition, I looked up, and found a girl almost my height, look down at me. Her face lit up with a warm smile as she confirmed her doubts, when she saw me look up at her.
“Oh yes I am from CSE, but I am afraid I don’t know who you are.”
“Well, I am from CSE too…uh no, was at CSE for my bachelors. My name is Deepika. Now doing MA here. I have seen you in my class when you came for the auditions. You sang and danced in my class, remember?!”
Ah! The circle of life!
I bet I would not have seen her if I had not gone back there to check out the classrooms. I was happy that there was someone who knew me at THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES. “So how come you are here, that too this early?”
And that’s how I started my explanations again, early that morning. I found her to be very down to earth, not holding any kind of an attitude. She told me how she loved Chennai and missed everyone at CSE. In another fifteen minutes of conversation, I updated her with everything including all hot news at CSE. She was willing to show me the places in THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES and I thanked her for that. We decided to meet up at her hostel after breakfast as hunger was taking its toll on me by then. I went back to mam’s place, had a nice bath, admired nature from the windows of her house, asked a lot of questions, which I thought, annoyed her and waited anxiously for morkali. She persistently asked me to find out al details by myself and I thought she was a little indifferent.
There was a strange coldness or dampness inside her house which gave way for a different smell all over the place. It was too hot outside but inside mam’s house it was so different. There was no air conditioner and I saw my fingers were numb. ‘Some house!’ I told myself to stop feeling insecure. Mam had generously allowed my stay there which was nothing short of taking care of me and I felt it would be nasty on my part if I complained or even asked about the strangeness that veiled her house. At last morkali was on the table. It looked like dough mixed with curd and spices. My mouth watered and I served three heaps of it on to my plate and gobbled up a teaspoon. I wanted to lose myself in the deliciousness of it. But, Morkali was not spicy nor was it not salty. It did not smell of anything nor did it taste of anything. I felt like spitting out whatever was in my mouth but swallowed it soon, as mam was staring at me, sitting before me. She relished her breakfast like a child. I never realized till that moment that hDeepikan beings could relish sand mixed with water. She asked me how it was.
“Delicious!” I exclaimed with so much feeling. I felt I could have won an Oscar for that acting. I renounced hunger. I was happy that I managed to swallow that teaspoon of morkali, but to my utter dismay I found I had to finish whatever was on my plate! Damn my hunger which provoked my greed! I had served too much for myself and I felt it would again be nasty on my part if I wasted food which she so willingly prepared for me. And that was how my first experience of eating…no swallowing what I did not like even one bit was! I realized that my tolerance levels were simply mind blowing. At last, after twenty minutes of that great struggle between life and death, morkali disappeared from my plate. It was a mark of achievement, the empty plate!
“I am sure you want more, you took very little”
‘Yeah right, VERY LITTLE!’ Mam was about to serve more out of her immense love for me when I uttered a ghastly “NO!”
She was startled for a minute and I felt like hitting myself for causing unpleasantness. But I did not want her to do that murderous act of serving me more morkali. “No as in, I am full mam, that’s what I meant,” said I with the most pleasant look, though I felt my stomach churning.
“You kids need to eat more instead of trying to slim down.”
“Oh no mam, I am not that sort of a girl.. I don’t believe in not eating to slim down.”
“Then in that case you can have more”, and the next moment morkali appeared on my plate again! Limits! I felt as though someone had put a heap of sand on my achievement and that all my efforts had gone a total waste. I acted again that I enjoyed my delightful breakfast but when I could eat no more I proceeded to the sink in the kitchen and down went morkali in the sink. I pitied the sink!
I knew mam knew this misbehaviour, but who cared. I was so relieved that breakfast time was over. I was about to go meet Deepika, so that I could go around THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES and get the prospectus and model papers, when mam asked me if I was coming back for lunch. Thank god she asked! I did not want anymore risks to be taken and so told her that I liked to try the cafeteria for lunch. She nodded in consent. That was close!
I met Deepika at the hostel and she showed me her room. It was a very small room. There was absolutely no space to walk about and everything was cramped in that little space. I felt there was no space to even think.
I loved large spaces. They inspired me to think, to explore, to reach to the other end, to dance, to have choices and a lot of other things. But right then I knew I’d better not go into deep philosophies as I was not sure whether I would get a chance to occupy the room.
“Not bad”, I told Deepika, as though I was the hostel warden and I had gone there to supervise the rooms. I saw Deepika smile. Maybe I should have told “how cute!” I always experimented the way I talked to different people and since I was the type of adapting myself to situations and people, I used to speak the way people liked me to, so I assumed. The guilt of not being myself often troubled me but I loved it when people were satisfied at the way I talked. Deepika’s room had a computer too which the college provided and I was glad but I did not reveal it as I did not want her to know, that I did not know good institutions provided such facilities! She showed me the letter that was sent to her from THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES and I saw her proud face. As I read the letter I imagined my name to be there and it was I who was proud now. I came back to my senses soon as I heard a knock on the door. It was Deepika’s room mate Sasha. I smiled at her and she looked at me as though she was looking at some alien creature that had just then landed in a UFO. ‘Strange people’, I thought, to suppress the insult I was just then subject to! Deepika then led me through the hostel corridors, showing me each and every room there. The seniors had single rooms for themselves while the juniors had to share theirs.
We then went to the publications unit to get the prospectus and the model question papers. The officers there were very friendly and soon provided me with what I wanted. This is simple, I thought. We then went to the cafeteria as by then morkali had got digested in my poor stomach which had to suffer great torture. I saw rows of tables and chairs arranged longitudinally on each side. The food was a lot better, but not as good as it was at CSE.
After lunch I went back to the quiet lodgings of Sudha mam and settled down with a book. I was happily reading, when I heard the doorbell. A group of kids from the neighbourhood had come there and mam asked me to cut water melons for the. I was only glad to do that for her though I would not have even got up from my place if mom had asked me to do the same. I tried playing with the kids but they found me boring. So, I got back to reading. When evening set in I decided to go out with Deepika to see the places outside. So I called her and she told me to meet her at the hostel in fifteen minutes. Mam sent me off with a smile. As I was preparing to leave I saw her reading something sitting near the window. There was a burnt money plant in a coloured glass bottle on the window rim, which seemed to struggle for light and air. The windows were all sealed with nets as there were lots of mosquitoes. The chairs, the tables, the fridge, the cots etc. they all communicated a strange warning to me. I felt I was growing nuts day by day .It was getting colder in mam’s place. I said bye to her and left.
Deepika and I walked through the The New University. There was a park nearby which was less occupied. There were very few people there who were less occupied too. They were unresponsive to everything that was happening around them. There were very few shops there. Deepika took me to a Saraswathi temple nearby and you can imagine what I prayed there. We then made our way to a bakery and had rich and creamy pineapple cakes. I must say, they were awesome! The road had signs directing the way to the airport. Traffic was under good control and as we walked through the main road, I spotted large number of tender coconuts piled over one another on the left side. We were thirsty after eating cakes, so tender coconut water was what we drank next. I gave fifty rupees to the seller and he laughed. Deepika took back the fifty rupee note and shoved a ten rupee note to the seller. I was stunned. Tender coconut at five rupees each?! Surely Chennai tender coconut sellers were money makers!
We returned to THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES at seven thirty and Deepika said bye. I thanked her for showing me around and she said no formalities between friends. So dear a girl. As I walked back to mam’s place I felt a little scared as it was very dark by then. I felt the wind talking to me. The huge forms of the trees around the campus were very scary to look at. I increased the speed of my pace. Suddenly something fell on me. I was sure it was a python or something of the kind. But I soon realised that it was only a long twig. I saw mam’s house from a distance and was frantic to reach it as soon as possible as my imaginations now went beyond Steven Spielberg’s. I felt huge shadows come behind me and that I should not allow them to engulf me. Soon I reached D block. I scrambled along the stairs and got in. Again, what a peace of mind! I laughed at myself for being such a scary little squirrel.
“So how was your day?” Mam asked.
“Wonderful. I saw lots of things.” I had bought a bottle of fizzy apple juice for mam but she said she didn’t take anything with preservatives. I told her that I felt the climate to be a little strange and she just nodded. I expected her to ask me why I felt so, as I wanted to explain it and find answers but in vain. Maybe she thought I talked too much. I was tired after that long day and soon sat on the bed with a book. ‘Mission completed, the next day I was leaving to Chennai’. I imagined how proud my mom would be when I got back after doing my work responsibly. Just then mam came to my room.
“I am going to meditate till nine so I don’t want you to walk about the house as it would be a disturbance.” I told her to go ahead and that I would see to it that nothing disturbed her. She went to the hall and sat on a wooden plank like chair and closed her eyes. In minutes the whole house became extremely cold. I got a little worried. Why was the house getting cold like this when it was so hot outside despite the fact that there was no AC? I saw mam from my room. She was sitting straight with her eyes tightly closed. I thought she went to another world. She was so dead and there was not even a slight movement of her body. I wondered if she breathed. I never believed in meditation. I had tried several times to meditate under the pressure from my parents and teachers but no enlightenment took place. I had fallen asleep all the time I had tried it. Silence pervaded the house as it got colder. Just what the hell was happening there? I could see the trees outside and soon pulled down the curtains. I got on to the bed as I was now scared to keep my feet on the floor. This was habitual; anytime I got scared I saw to it that I did not have my feet on the floor. Suddenly there was a vibration near my leg! I sprang up from the bed to target the evil thing and found my phone vibrating. Damn the phone! It scared the hell out of me. It was kaushik calling. He was my brother’s friend and consequently, mine too. I did not want to attend the call inside the house as I did not want to disturb mam. So I tiptoed through the hall and went out, closing the door quietly behind me.
“Hullo”, I said, not revealing the fact that his call had induced great fear in me for a second. As I spoke to him I saw the door slowly closing by itself in the wind, so I pulled the rim and closed it fully. I just had to open it and get inside after I was done with the call.
Click! I heard a mild sound from inside as the door got closed fully. I looked at the door as I was talking but found nothing. But that “click” did not sound good. I was calming myself down by telling myself that I had not locked myself outside and that a slight effort from my side to open the door would do and I would be inside. I ended my conversation soon and tried to open the door as slowly as possible so that it did not give any sound. The door did not open. I was alarmed! HORRORS! It got locked automatically. I was not aware of this fact about the door. However, I tried again, this time harder, but it wouldn’t budge. It took a lot of strength to reconcile with the fact that I was locked outside mam’s house at night. It was pitch dark outside. I tried hard to not imagine anything but even before that, I started imagining the wild creepers outside getting bigger and longer reaching out to me to strangle me. I struggled to breathe. I rang the doorbell and waited for my “ONLY” saviour to help me, but there was no response. I rang it again but again there was no response.
Why was mam not coming to the door? Did she sleep off in the course of meditating? I tried to stop thinking such silly things. Of course, the others were not like me. Though she might have transcended this world and gone to another world, the doorbell was enough to bring her back in an instant as the bell was like an owl’s loud sharp screech at midnight. Oh god why did I ever think of the owl when I myself was in the company of the same, in the dark night outside. I tried to forget all the ghost movies I saw hugging my pillow, all the horror stories I read with mom beside me and all the pranks I played on my kid brother to scare him and very many other things of the kind.
I had to call mom and speak to her. I took my phone and dialed the number. ERROR IN CONNECTION! CHECK INFO SERVICE! I saw the messages that my phone revealed on its screen and knew that I was damned for life. What was the time? It must have surely crossed nine as I was stuck outside the house for quite some time then. I looked at my watch. There was no watch on my wrist. Only the shape of it as the rest of my hand was tanned. I had complained of it to Neetu and sworn never to wear a watch as I did not like the colour difference. She had told me I was stupid. I had not realized it then, but now I realized the worth of a watch that outmatched the worth of tanned skin. All this while the fact that my phone could show me the time, never struck me. I was really stupid. Nine fifteen said my phone when I finally had the presence of mind to check out the time on it. Gulp! It was just air that I swallowed as there was no saliva. I got dehydrated. However, soon I started sweating. I felt sweat tricking down my forehead, again an unusual phenomenon.
I never used to sweat, even in high temperatures. I worried a lot about it. I had once exclaimed to my friends while coming back home from college how I wished I sweat like them. It was true. I never had to use a handkerchief at all and I used to beat the heat in Chennai without one drop of sweat. The science students told me that there was no metabolism in my body. Whatever olism it was, now it was at its highest. I was trembling and my hands reached the doorbell again still feeling guilty that I was disturbing an elderly professor while she was meditating. I was about to give up and collapse when I heard the door being opened. It gave a mild creaking sound. It was fascinating, how the energy inside me got refilled at that mild creak. At last the door was answered. The door was opened only slightly and through the little space, two blurred, droopy, sunken eyes stared at me. I almost shrieked with fear, but soon prepared myself to apologise for having disturbed her while she was meditating.
“Who rang the bell?” She asked in a tone very different from her original one.
Was she drunk or something? For she knew it was me. What a question. She looked at me as though she never recognized me. I was puzzled.
“Mam.. I am terribly sorry, what actually happened was…”
SLAM! The door closed with such force that I almost got thrown away! Did I talk about my energy getting refilled, well, damn the energy. I was again all alone outside, but now I got so annoyed at her sudden savage behaviour. Surely that was not how you ought to treat a guest.
“You can come in, the door is not locked”, I heard her yell from inside. I got relaxed. That was ok. I went in and closed the door and proceeded towards the hall as I could see her near the door. When I went in I saw mam, leaning on a table with her eyes closed. She was unsteady and her legs kept failing her. I confirmed that she was drunk.
“Mam, are you alright?”, I asked her.
“JUST SHUT UP!”
I blinked for a while. Did I tell something wrong? No, she was in a drunken hang over. What she needed was help. I moved closer to help her sit down and get some water for her
“WILL YOU JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! RIGHT NOW!”
What nonsense, get out of her house it seems, that too at nine forty. She must be kidding. I observed her closely. She was not drunk. But she was unsteady.
“Do you know what you did to me? I was crawling in here to get to that door to open it for you!”
What!? Crawling? Was she suffering from short term paralysis or something?
“Mam, what happened? I want to help you. I got a call and I did not want to disturb so…”
“So? So what?’. She cut me in before I could complete.
“I have always had problems with doors of this kind mam. I did not know that it could lock automatically.” That was the first time I encountered a problem like that, but I had no choice than to lie as I saw that was really pissed off with me.
“Do you know what meditation is? Huh?!”, all the while she spoke, there was considerable amount of strain on her whole body. Before I could utter another word she asked me to get out again. This time it was too much for me to withstand and tears flowed down my cheeks.
Early that day mam had told me that she liked being single. I respected that idea though I felt that it would have been better if she was married for some strange reason. I never believed some of my teachers at CSE when they told me that people, who lived alone, especially women, were cranky. As they were all happily married they did not, I assumed, agree with the logic of staying single. I was a great supporter of modern views. Mam’s behaviour shook my modernistic views. Her flimsy white t-shirt and Bermudas seemed crazy enough to me now though I thought that she had the freedom to dress any way she wanted as she lived alone
“Mam, where do you think I can go now? I don’t know anyone here except you.”
She was not convinced and I helplessly started packing my stuff to leave. I knew Deepika and I could always sleep in her room. I could even have dinner there.
As these thoughts ran in my mind as the tears flowed down she asked me to sit in the room.
“Go inside, I will finish puja and then we can have dinner”.
Puja?! What puja? That too at ten o clock at night? I told her that I could go to Deepika’s room to spend the night and that I was not hungry.
“You are not going anywhere nor are you calling anyone on phone. I will finish puja and then we’ll have dinner. Now go in.’
It was then that I came to know that I was stuck with a mad woman in the midst of a jungle for mam’s house was isolated from other buildings and there was thick vegetation all around. I knew that mam wanted to offer me as sacrifice to the gods she worshipped and that the puja was a formal ceremony before that. I had first hand knowledge about all this as I watched a lot of these stuff on the national geographic channel.
I remembered how in the morning I had picked up a knife to cut the melons from the many knives that were kept in three wooden mugs in the kitchen and how mam had forbidden me to use the knife that I picked. I had asked her the reason and she had told me that every knife had a different purpose. I thought it strange. But now I knew that definitely one of them was to go right into my belly. The next few minutes, I was thinking of a way to get out of the house. I knew there was no means of escape. Even if I tried cutting through the sealed windows and jumping from there I would end up losing my limbs for the rest of my life. Better die instead of that. But I had always wanted to die decently. I could almost see the headlines in the next day’s newspaper, “TWENTY YEAR OLD STUDENT KILLED BRUTALLY BY 50 YEAR OLD PROFFESSOR”. It sounded and looked so indecent but I convinced myself by telling myself that it was the will of god. I imagined how mom, dad and Rahul would breakdown at the news of my tragical death. I imagined how my friends and other dear ones would go to my house and try to pacify my grief stricken family. Neetu would always be glad take my place after I was gone. My hands did not reach my phone as it was numb. I wanted to talk to mom for one last time before I died but I could not reach the phone which was lying so near to me.
At last the ringing of the bells was heard. Mam was taking the aarathi. It was a mark of the end of the puja. So, the time had come finally. Mam called me aloud to go and pray and have the prasadam. I went before the deities and she explained each deity. There was a large picture of a holy saint whom she worshipped and who, she said, instilled the meditation thing in her. The saint was in a calm posture yet there was a ghostly smile on his face. I looked away from the picture, closed my eyes and prayed.
Suddenly I was hugged tightly. I struggled to let myself free as I found it hard to breathe. It was Sudha mam trying to hug me.
“What is it now?!” I asked with so much bitterness and cried again. I thought it was new way of killing. Hugging to death.
She came forward again and this time she hugged me a little softly allowing me to breathe properly.
Was she a lesbian? I prayed to god that no mockery be meted out to me before I died.
“Kiddo, now stop crying. You do not know what meditation is. I will explain it to you, come. Pull that beanbag and sit on it”.
I did as I was told. She pulled a chair towards me and looked straight into my eyes. All this while I was praying fervently within me. I looked at her closely now. Her skin was like a polished plank of wood which shone. Her eyebrows were thick and irregular in shape. Beneath them were two eyes of a weird shape but with a sparkle of a different kind. Her hair was curly and was not combed properly. I felt as though I was a lost kid found by a crazy hermit in some dense jungle.
“Kiddo I did not mean to hurt you. I meditated for a long time today and was transported to a different world altogether. Usually it never happens like this but today it was something extraordinary. I saw flames of fire and water together with shakthi before me. I was dazed. I could not see anything for a while as it was too bright a light. I felt I was led by my guru to Shakthi and I was paralysed in that heavenly bliss. My hands and feet became numb as it grew too cold.”
I had birds circling over my head. What was she talking about? What the flame and what the water? All this while I stared at her as though she was giving a lecture in Greek and Latin. I never knew all that.
“Mam, I don’t know all this. Why I went out was I had to attend a call and I did not want to disturb you…”
Again I was cut in. I allowed her to talk and I could see the pride on her face in having full control of the conversation. I was not merciless like her, not giving time to explain, so she continued.
“I knew you went out and that you locked yourself out and heard the doorbell too, but I was not able to move an inch from here. When you rang the bell for the first time, I started towards the door and it took all that time for me to reach the door to open it for you.”
Who cared, who the damn cared? You knew I was helpless outside and you asked me to get out, for all the courtesy I showed. You and your blasted meditation. These words ran in my mind as I was careful not to spill the words out lest she thrust one of those knives into me in a fit of fury.
“Listen, you might think that this whole business of meditation is nonsense. That is what all you kids are thinking and you all need to be shown the right way.”
Now this was weird. The little solace I got when I said things to myself within me was washed off as soon as she said this. Was she a mind reader too? It was hard for me to stop talking and it was harder for me to stop thinking. She saw that I was extremely uncomfortable.
“Shriya, tell me why did you have to come alone to my house all the way from Chennai to Vijayawada and suffer all this humiliation?”
Humiliation? What humiliation? I did not even know what humiliation was.
“Mam I am not humiliated at all .I know I am at fault. I am sorry for it.” The words came out as fast as they could. I felt that if I agreed that I was humiliated then I would be vulnerable to more humiliation. Or was I actually, inviting more?
“Not that dear. Tell me. How long do you know me? For about a week, and that too only through phone. You have not even seen me and yet you landed up here with me today. Why do you think all this happened?”
There was no point in talking. I told her with all meekness that I didn’t know.
“It is for a PURPOSE dear.”
Purpose? What purpose?, I thought. She was scaring me even more. She was not going to hypnotise me and take me to her other world. Would she?
“I think the message had to reach you Shriya. You are special. You have been chosen to get this wonderful message. You must meditate daily dear. I am sure you will reach great heights if you do that. Now go to sleep peacefully. Good night.”
She left me in the room and at once I got to bed as I was so tired and sleepy. But I did not sleep.
Peacefully? How in the world would I sleep in her house? I could still see the wooden mugs with the knives in them from the bed. What if she killed me while I was asleep?
Nobody would even hear my cries. I decided to stay awake the whole night but I dropped asleep every time. I woke up every one hour, startled. I pinched myself to check if I was alive every time I got up. I made it a point not to be over confident that I was alive as I was still confined within the eerie walls of Sudha mam’s house. She was awake for a long time as I saw the lights in her room were switched on.
Every now and then flashes of how I swallowed morkali came to mind. I regretted that I did not react sourly. How much tolerance, how much patience, how much of courtesy and such a heavy price for all that. Not one word about how difficult it was to let my poor stomach churn with that deadly morkali. Not one word of refusal to cut melons for her neighbours. I was such a good kid and I had to face all that. Tears streamed down as I thought how insensitive she was. I thanked god for people who were saved as she did not marry. I thanked god for making me shut up when I went through all that suffering. I looked forward to the next day. I prayed for the hours of the night which was dragging endlessly to pass quickly. I didn’t know when I fell asleep.
I got up at nine the next day! I was embarrassed that I woke up so late. I looked around me to check if I was still on earth. I looked at all the objects in the room which I had remembered to notice last night. Sunshine did not penetrate inside the house fully. How would it? Even the sunshine got scared to get in there. I was not surprised.
I did not wonder why the money plants drooped. I pitied them. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked at the mirror. Two red eyes, tear stained cheeks that had dried overnight, shabby and unset hair which needed combing…what I needed was a good bath. I headed for a nice lukewarm water bath. As I soaked myself in the foam of my sweet smelling soap I knew I had learnt a lesson. I saw the bubbles multiply and I knew each bubble was a lesson. I could see the tiny and countless chips on the mosaic floor of the bathroom and knew that each chip was a lesson. I knew that was not the end.
I was refreshed after the bath. The thought that I was leaving to Chennai that day refreshed me more. I saw Sudha mam dressed to leave for class. She wore her sari so neatly. She was hopping about the house in hurry, sipping coffee from a cute mug. The servant had come. I wondered if she knew the “Sudha mam” I knew. It didn’t matter to me but I wanted to know how to react to such people. How perfectly normal, mam looked. I scrutinized her. No speck of abnormality anywhere about her. Not one word about last night. She was avoiding me deliberately. I tried hard not to remember the events of the previous night. She came to me to say goodbye. I told her that I would be leaving to Deepika’s room after she went to class and then leave from Deepika’s place to the station soon. She was ok with it. She hugged me and I still had the courtesy to say sorry for all the trouble I caused her. She wished me luck and left.
The moment mam left I looked around her house. It seemed as though every thing in the house heaved a sigh of relief. The floor sunk peacefully now that it need not bear her footsteps for sometime. The walls smiled. Even the money plants looked bright. I guessed it was more in my head. I quickly packed my things and got ready to leave. I went out and closed the door.
CLICK! It sounded again. I had asked the earth to swallow me up for having heard that same sound last night but now I felt peaceful. I said bye to my worst nightmare. I thought I would be dead. As I walked down to the hostel, no longer did the pathway seem strange, no longer did the rustle of the leaves in the cool wind seem strange, no longer did the silence seem strange, for now I knew it all. I knew I knew nothing. I had so much to learn. The word “purpose” kept haunting me. Different people, their temperaments, likes, dislikes and a lot more was still left to be explored in the journey of my life.
I saw Deepika waiting for me with that friendly smile from a distance. Just then a leaf fell over me. I was back to my senses.
“Hey, relax, that was just a leaf! Is everything ok with you?” She asked me.
“Why are you asking this?”
“Because you look sleepy, did mam treat you with weird stories last night or something?”
She winked at me when she said that. I knew she knew mam. I narrated the whole incident to her. She was not surprised. She told me to forget everything and also told me not to tell this to my parents. I did not ask her why she told me that. I was too confused to ask her. Besides I had already decided that the first thing I would do after reaching home would be to tell everything to everyone. We spoke for about an hour or so after which we went for lunch. At two thirty in the afternoon I said bye to Deepika, she asked me to convey her regards to everyone at CSE which I promised to do. She then wished me luck and a safe journey. I was happy that I got a nice friend!
I reached the station well before time. I called Neetu.
“Hulllllllloooooooooo… at the station?” she asked.
“Yes, at last!”
You sound as though you fought your way out of THE SCHOOL OF LANGUAGES. Is everything fine?
I appreciated her quick analysis and told her that I had lots to say.
“Well. I am happy that you realized my worth atleast now!” Both of us laughed. By then my train came and I got into my compartment. Nothing to worry anymore. I was going home. Home sweet home! The train was soon on its way.
I got up at four thirty the next morning. Neetu had promised to receive me at the station. I called her.
“Hullooooo..”
“Hi its me, I’ll reach central in another fifteen minutes, ok catch up with you soon.”
“Female! First you make me wake up as early as four and fight through the frost to wait for you here and now when I am trying to get some sleep till you reach you and your phone!”
I knew she was lying. I told her not to worry and hung up. We hugged each other as soon as we met.
“So what did you bring for me?”
“Will tell you after reaching home.”
“Oh come on show me..here ? in this bag?”
“Its abstract Neetu..”
“What?!”
“You can’t see it but you can experience it.”
“Whatever that is?”
“Purpose! The purpose of everything in your life!”
Neetu saw stars over her head. We walked our way out… out of the maddening crowd, full of different people, Neetu confused, and I, more CLEAR!!!!
Well, for people who must be wondering if such people really exist….. Two years later, I happened to get in touch with a Yoga master through my dance class. I had the opportunity to attend a twenty days crash programme on Dance Therapy and Yoga. I was the least interested in yoga since I did not want to end up taking meditation traits and…the rest you know. However, since I had no other alternative I was forced to attend yoga programme as well. To my surprise I found that yoga did help me to relax. There always used to be an hour allotted to ask questions at the end of the class. The first few days, I felt very reluctant to verify my doubts about the experience I had but I could no longer keep it with me so I headed straight to him and told him the whole incident. The master explained that certain people do yoga to just get the feel of transcending this world which they feel does not satisfy them. I asked if it is similar to people who take to drinks and he replied in the affirmative. I could not believe that spiritual practices were being misused these days. Further, he said that people need the right kind of guidance in such sensitive matters. A person who practices yoga and goes beyond worldly boundaries with the only wish to experience spiritual bliss would never be able to tell about that experience when he or she comes back to reality. I found myself getting happier as he told me all this, for some funny reason. And I am still happy…. after all that matters the most, atleast to me!!!

Maiden in the wilderness

Thursday, July 24, 2008

god...exams next week!!!!!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

After all...Health is Wealth!!!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

WHAT A CLASS MAN!

WHAT A CLASS MAN!!!

Friendship...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ok im goin crazy!!!

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