To you Subha akka. . .

Om Sri Gurubhyo Namaha
Feels a lot better to have started with the chant.. An energy out of nowhere seems to creep in me to enable me to write. I invoke the blessings of my guru in the first place before even I start to think of the next sentence. Thanks to god for the lovely people whom he has made me meet and for the lovely times I have spent with them. Thanks to all who have made me feel that I can achieve anything, especially my parents and teachers. Thanks to Subha akka for blessing me constantly and for being my source of inspiration.
Life.. a strange teacher, our guru for everything that happens next, when we are alive. . .when we are still able to breathe. But what it teaches always may not be what we want to learn. When things go quite the contrary to what we thought, we consider this guru as someone who does not want us to exist anymore. Survival of the fittest. Darwin, who proclaimed the theory of the existence of the ones who are most fit. Absolutely perfect. That’s how earth should look. People who are fit should fill the vacuum. People who are ready to take on whatever it gives, be it storms, earthquakes, diseases and a lot more.
I remember the first day when I saw Subha akka, a bright slim and sleek young woman who could spread happiness in just a slight chuckle. What I thought next was, why was she not wearing a long Bindi just like other dance teachers. I now know why. She was not like any other dance teacher, she was special. That was the first moment of my career in dance, when I was six years old, on Vijayadasmi day. Bharathnaytam, the art form which stuns audiences world wide, even today, though it is more than a thousand years old. I did not have a pattu pavadai like others and so I went in a salwar. I was the only one in salwar. A six year old in salwar was a bit too much for my brother to look at and so he asked my parents to get me one. He did not like the idea of me being left out when all others were dressed so well. So I had a pattu pavadai for myself. A green top with maroon and green bordered skirt.
I had a good foundation in the basics before I joined Rajeswari Natyalaya. For almost a year I vaguely remember a master teaching me the same steps almost everyday. I knew how to hit my feet in rhythm and then change glances. Subha akka knew I knew. So she asked me if I had learnt dance and I told her that I did learn for almost a whole year. She smiled. The comfort of not having to teach me with strain was visible. She had a tough time with a few who did not want to learn though she was deeply committed to make them learn. I learnt the basics for almost a year before I performed on stage and began the next stage, Alarippu. I was beginning to get annoyed and Subha akka handled me quite well. She knew to convince me. All she had to do was to smile and I would agree to drop dead before her. Months later I knew why she made me do the basics for a year. I learnt faster than the others and went ahead very soon while the others were tugging along trying to bring the hands, feet and eyes to a steady rhythm. I did alarippu wearing my pattu pavadai.
Subha akka made me the gopika in every programme. Lord Krishna’s partner who would put up with everything he does. Akka knew I would be patient and teach Krishna to behave himself at the end of the song. She made me teach a lot of juniors who still adore me. I would learn and teach with much joy. The very experience of going to Subha akka’s dance class would be delightful. I would walk like a clown to dance class with a dupatta firmly tied around my waist. I never thought of how funny I looked until I watched my juniors following the same thing! I never walked to dance class anymore, instead I rode my cycle.. Greater speed, lesser onlookers.
Subha akka never dressed well. I hated her for that. I always wanted to buy her clothes in which she would look like a queen. She would appear in shabby clothes when we went to class. Her hair would not be combed well. Her nails would not have been clipped well. She would have worked hard and would come out without refreshing herself. It seemed to me that this woman never took time for herself. Usha amma would scold her like any other mother and Subha akka would wink at me. I considered myself lucky and never complained about her dressing. I distinctly remember the instance when akka and I had lunch together, Usha amma scolded her for eating less than a mosquito. Usha amma adored Subha akka though she never always listened to her. I saw simplicity. I saw truth. I saw originality. One need not dress well in order to be loved the most. However today I still cannot go out before I make sure that I look presentable. Her ideals were never reachable for me.
We went to T. Nagar quite often. The most famous T. Nagar where people never knew to halt. A swarm of men, women and children always moving about in search of another valuable at a much cheaper rate. We would ride to T. Nagar on her moped and buy things needed for the next programme. Once we went to a textile showroom to get a backdrop cloth and Subha akka bought what I chose. We argued on the colour and finally, though she took what she chose to the counter she decided to buy what I chose. She never bought anything for herself when we went shopping. Nor did she buy anything for her home. Everything she ran for was for either a performance or for her students. Even ice creams. She took me to a shop in the basement near Maya’s plaza to eat ice creams, everytime we went out.
I don’t remember Subha akka complaining of discomfort, be it mental or physical. I never knew how she looked when she was angry or when she did not like something. She would smile and pause when I never sat in ara mandi for a step. She would smile when I forgot the steps. She would smile if I told her that a step was difficult. My salanga poojai was one of the best times I ever had with Subha akka. I was in class nine and full of enthusiasm. I lived at Subha akka’s place. Parangsupuram, the place where I lived for months together. Usha amma would teach me shlokams. It was fun being with them. The swing in Subha akka’s house on which every student would have sat was like a sacred tomb where we sat when no one looked. It was as though the swing volunteered to hold each one who loved to sit on it. Subha akka knew we liked it so she never scolded us. She wore cooling glasses on her head sometimes when she rode her moped and I would watch her speeding across the streets when I went out to pick up things from shops. Hot days of kathiri veyil would not stop her from running here and there. When it rained she would sit at the doorstep near the grill just outside the main door sipping tea. She was fond of her students and organized a picnic. We enjoyed a lot.
When Subha akka dressed for a performance she would look like a goddess. One would never be able to see a strain in her dance. She would perform an item with great ease. She would have exerted so much but one could never see it. The pullaaku glistened under her nose when she smiled and that would be enough for anyone to get lost in her dance. She always told us that one should enjoy dancing and not feel that you are forced to do it. She truly enjoyed when she danced. I learnt to enjoy while I danced. She helped me when I applied for a scholarship and taught me what to expect and what not to. Subha akka made me feel I was her little sister. When I saw her on the day she got married she looked like she was completely ready for a new challenge. I was so happy for her. The day she went to the US I felt absolutely lonely. I missed her so much but we mailed often. I made sure she knew everything about me. I fell ill so often and she scolded me for not taking care of myself. She advised me to start a dance class in Chennai. I knew I had so much to learn before that. However the thought that she thought I was eligible to take class was lovely.
We shared a special relationship. She always called me whenever she wanted me to go with her for shopping or start rehearsing for the next programme. She gave me the privilege which other students did not get from her. When I got engaged to Sandeep she wanted to talk to him. I had sent her the photographs. She knew this was the man whom I was going to live with. Maybe she wanted to warn him about me! Probably she wanted to teach him to handle me just like she did..or she wanted to tell him beforehand that she wanted me to be with her for future programmes. I wanted to take time to introduce my Subha akka to Sandeep because she was not just one among my dear ones, she was one of the most important persons in my life.
Today when I think that she has left me and the rest of us I wonder why, despite our relationship, she hid the fact that she was sick and needed my prayers and support. I am sure if I had known it and prayed for her recovery she would have been with us today. My prayers have worked wonders for many. Perhaps the one sitting above thought he wanted her more than me. Like another fairy tale, god wanted an angel to take care of the lost kids in heaven. When I need her the most she is not there just like how I was not there when she may have needed me. A hint would have been enough. I would not have to bear so much pain and agony because, the fact that she has left has still not settled in me. When I rode my scooty with mum behind me to Vidya akka’s ( her sister, my present dance teacher) place I found everything normal around me. The world was going about as usual. No difference. . just like how it was all these days. The world was moving ahead despite Subha akka’s absence. Only I knew what the world had lost. Reason tells me she would not have told because she knew how sensitive I am. She did not want me to know the ill Subha akka when I knew only the ever blossoming Subha akka.
Destiny… another teacher who may leave you blank sometimes…I never got to see her when she was so close to me. She had come down to Chennai from the US for a change and performed at the temple where I was one among the audience. Before she performed I had left the venue. Had I just peeped into the green room, I would have found her dressed like a goddess and heard her voice and seen her chuckle. Subha akka had her way of making me realize things around me. Maybe I will realize why she never told me about her sickness. Though the pain is immense and I see you in my dreams everyday dressed like a goddess, I believe that my journey in this world will continue. I may dance and also enjoy like how you did and teach students like you did. I picture that you are just out there lending me your hands to give me hope and love. This wound may heal as days pass by but you will remain my inspiration forever. Thanks Subha akka for being my teacher, friend and most importantly my beloved sister. I consider myself lucky to have been your student once upon a time and especially for having been a special sister to you. Missing you so much. Love you Subha akka.

Whizzzz and back to chennai.. !

Phew!! A brief period of stay at Kerala and the consequences.. Tired.. bloated and body pain.. Reached this morning. But I don't miss Kerala like I always did. I was going back in few days!! Don't wanna think bout it. This time there was no time we rested.. We had to keep travelling from one place to another. I had planned for shopping but dint find the time for it. Aunt's house warming went very well. I liked her house and was happy for her .. At last she has settled. There is no need for her to worry anymore. Prabhath was delighted though he tried to hide his emotions a lot of times! He was happy and proud that he has a home for himself. My stay with velliamma was great. I ate a great deal and dint know I was bloating up. The last day of my stay as I was dressing up I realised my top dint fit me. So again dieting and tel you what I am actually getting fed up of this. I wish we remained the same no matter what we ate or what we did!! I enjoyed my trip.!! Ciao

Memories..

Memories.. The blue ink,

The patched shirt, the silver glasses,

The promises, the fights,

The findings, the pair of sandals,

The reconciliation, the moonlight,

Then the real truth..

Im still wondering..

Im still the lil girl..

I just woke up from a dream.. . .

Thank god!

But wait.. I still know what I am doing..

I can still see the moonlight,

I am alive,

No its worse than that,

Dreams, you can forget,

But this is dangerous

Its memories. .