Random thoughts on a Monday. .

Random thoughts on a Monday

I want to stamp this day,

Cos I feel I should just say,

This is yet another day, hey,

Another day that’s not as happy and gay,

Not happy as in think for myself as I lay,

There is love, there is play,

There is everything that I don’t have to pay.

Yet this little evil in me seems to unwind,

Tells me those things which I should mind,

Are not really worth it, so go blind,

All day these thoughts in me grind,

I want goodness with me, to bind,

I will have this day not stamped or signed,

Cos one day, Hope, I shall find.

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Another hour, oh here you come,

knocking the sand clock as I run,

Why does it approach so fast?

And does not leave me to my past.

Is it another veil I need?

Or is it some new sprouting seed?

Or more so just another weed?

Oh what is that, but wait, I cant see,

You have leashed out, I am still so wee.

Darkness darkness where do you lead?

Into the valley or to the reed?

I turn around to see you in the eye,

I smile, yet I know you are a spy.

Do tell me who sent you here,

When I am near what is there to fear?

You smile back at me with glorious wrinkles

Is it how you mock,

or are you really pulling my sock?

What is a tug of war without might,

I know, I know but I still want to fight.

But the sand clock is now turned

And all your shape is so churned,

I have a wand here with me,

I wash my feet now with more glee

Another hour, oh here you come,

But now I hail with the brave some!

The alarm clock

I want an alarm clock. .

I want it to ring when I need to get up,

I want it to ring when I have to serve breakfast, lunch and dinner,

I want it to ring when I need to stare into the skies,

I want it to ring when I need to call my dear ones,

I want it to ring when I need to dream,

I want it to ring when I need to wake up to reality,

I want it to ring when I have to plunge into the water,

I want it to ring when I ought to get to the prayer hall,

I want it to ring when I need to wash the car,

I want it to ring when I have no stock of groceries,

I want it to ring when my blood boils,

I want it to ring when my temper no longer holds,

I want it to ring when I am disoriented,

I want it to ring when I know not what I am doing,

I want it to ring when I need to make coffee,

I want it to ring when I can let people read me,

I want it to ring when I need to talk to myself,

I want it to ring when I want it to ring,

I want an alarm clock. . .

Thinking.. U ve taken me too far . . .

I am still clinging on the hope of getting back my metallic friend who was a solace.. a great solace I must say, amidst this wealth thirsty world... but people ask me not to dwell anymore on the thoughts cos I was never going to get back what I lost.. Its a never a cycle.. this thing called happiness.. but sorrows... its a perfect cycle.. it occurs at regular intervals.. and each time it is packed with more stings..
I wonder what kind of feeling this is.. I dint lose a person.. Its just a phone and I can always get another one or perhaps even a better one.. But this haunts.. and it has hung about me quite well in the past few days .. it seems like a creeper entangled on the soft fleshy pound gripping so well that I can never let go off it..and not that I am trying to let go.. I just dont want to..
is it because people have ceased to add those little value additions onto them?.. little note of worthiness to their life.. to their personality.. ?
And today I have realised that its been quite sometime that I too have ceased... ceased living amidst human beings... I was living in a world of inanimate objects... my vehicle.. my phone.. my computer.. and that man's inventions have outlived man's existence comes down as a great surprise to me.. the instances where I used to get up in the morning to see mom's face have been replaced by my yearning to seek the mobile phone, first thing in the morning as I wake up..
Alone? my playlist comes to my rescue.. bored? my computer offers me a world much more exciting than what living humans can give me.. tired of sitting at home.. my 125 cc rodeo screeches me through the city ...I float like foam in air..
When am I going to get real? When am I going to face the fact that I have to quit profoundity and get along with people who are different from me? Or much better when am I going to change? When will I seek comfort in people..? When will I stop thinking..?

Robotic Woman!

I wake up to the whizzing sound,

And see her going round and round.

What plastic hands and iron legs have you got?

The screws that do not rot being your inner strength.

What fuel do you use dear woman?

It has the power which all of us fear.

With love, joy and peace,

You are a robot with strong sleeves.

Ever determined to win our hearts,

Your glistening eye and electronic smile,

Oh I love all those parts.

All machines are reduced to dust

With your skill you earn our trust,

I pray for your motor,

To keep running and not be mortal.

song for the moment..

Oh baby when I knew what love is,
You were there right before me,
when I stood stranded in life,
you led me to the doors of hope,
what is this called? oh tel me,
all colours woven into one,
I have no choice but choose all,
oh baby all about you is fascinating,
all about you is so very fascinating
what is this called ? oh tel me my baby
you were an unheard melody
u seemed sweet to my ears,
but when you came to my life
you seemed sweeter than i can imagine
what is this called? oh tel me..

The blotch..

And the blotch that appeared all colourful has now begun to fade away.. as all beginnings will have endings.. we now come to the close of yet another blotch.. with exams coming up I was totally off headed and dint know from where to start or how to prepare.. The days were getting hotter and the hot waves of winds seemed no solace to the half burnt heart.. yet I moved on with high spirits.. I was capable.. and very predictive.. it helped me a lot in my life.. This time I made sure I was happy.. adventure and love do go together..toast to a different season altogether.. yooohoo..!! ciao!!

The Goblins market, revisited!

The smell of great lunch,

The peace of having prepared for all the exams,

The bliss of complete solitude,

The state of staying where I identify myself,

The knowledge of all good and bad,

The respect for the institution of society,

The company of soulful music,

The strong mental power,

The satisfaction of realising you are a whole entity,

The shade of protection and the luxury,

The sweetness of friends and loved ones,

The smooth course of life,

Everything is distorted now,

There are waves gushing in my heart,

As though life has taken a turn,

From what I accepted to what I wanted,

It is dangerous yet full of magical sweetness,

The goblins are calling out and their lure

Is never going to be the cure..

Come slow white vehicle..

I walked down the stairs following mom and grandmom..The ladies were quite slow yet clinged onto each other..Seemed as though they were interwoven with divine love..I moved faster overtaking them, to see them coming down together, and to click them onto my phone camera...Tears streamed down as the thought of them leaving Chennai evaded in me ..The previous night was restless and depressing.. What spell has this woman cast on me? I seem to grow too attached to her as the days passed.. When she screams I wish for her to stop talking and when she does not speak I am filled with remorse..

These days I dream of a queer thing.. I see a heavenly white vehicle filled with old people.. all angels by nature, travelling towards some place..The vehicle has huge white wings and it is fully adorned with flowers.. The fragrance is too rich to resist.. I stand with my grandmom at the stop where the vehicle would halt so that we could join the ride.. As it comes near I leap in joy and she loosens the grip on my hand from hers, smiling at me.... I see an old man waving from the vehicle who resembles my grandfather.. She leaps in joy but turns around to bless me.. The old man holds her hand as the vehicle stops before us and helps her to get in.. I stretch my arms too to be helped but no helping hands come out for me.. Grandmom sits comfortably besides the old man and smiles at me waving her hand.. Before I could get in the vehicle leaves and this time in great speed and in a moment it flies high in the sky and suddenly it is nowhere to be seen.

I stand alone gaping at the emptiness around me.. I stand and stare at the endless road which stretches far.. I look up to see traces of the vehicle but in vain.. I call out to her name but the response comes in the form of a imaginary smiling face.. The first tear falls down my cheek.. I am filled with pain.. deep pain .. for being abandoned.. Then the tears stream down as I call her out loudly several times.. I cry and cry and then suddenly I am up on my bed.. Heavy hearted and seeking the smell and the warmth of my grandmom.. It was a dream.

What do I pray for? To give her long life? Or to make sure she rests in peace so that she does not suffer... She does not hear, she does not remember who we are, she does not know where she is, she does not know to express her feelings and she is so beautiful..a sort of grace and peace hung about her all the time..

Mom has always told me about how she walked miles and miles to get to work and then come back late to attend to household chores..She wore printed sarees and always spread her long hair on her back ,tied only at the tip. A teacher with the true spirit and love for her students. Today when her students come to her help in official matters her pride knows no bounds. 33 years of service in the field of teaching starting from 15 years of age.. The only child who completed sslc education in her locale. .She was self conscious and made sure that she lived a life of dignity..

I have seen her wake up at 4... light the lamp to pay homage to the ancestors and to thank the gods for giving another day in this world..She would tread with a positive spirit to the kitchen and start cooking breakfast and lunch for the endless number of people in her home. She would get down to the farm and pick big green tender coconuts, collect firewood, pick palm and draw water from the well..She would bathe and sit for lunch with the water still dripping from her neatly combed tresses.. She showed no signs of sorrow if there was no one to accompany her for lunch.. She would relish her food in complete solitude and still be able to think what to make for tea..There was always food for the neighbours which she passed through the wall that separated her home from theirs.

She would manage the finance, and make boiled and sugared plantains for me..Every time I looked at her, that smile would make me feel warm..When I fall ill, she would have me see the doctor and attend to me throughout the day.. She would delight me with her stories and share her woes about not having a mother from the tender age of 2. Her imaginations about motherhood seemed beyond the boundaries and she stood true to it in her life ...Her footsteps could be heard from far for she always wore slippers at home..She would complain of leg pain and it was a pleasure for me to massage her big fat legs where blue-green veins strutted out fiercely. Humility personified, embodiment of femininity, devoted wife and mother, greatest cook, and best grandmom.. She was a true warrior who fought against all odds in life and made sure she won over them..Love poured from her like a perennial river..She taught me to read and write in my mother tongue.. Her false teeth was always a subject of ridicule but she cleaned them everyday and wore them not missing even one day.

One day when I was staying at my paternal home I saw my uncle walking towards me with a packet in his hands..It was a gift from grandmom, a pair of glistening silver anklets..The bells jingled when I walked ..My bare legs were no more bare, but it was adorned ..It made my day.. She bought me jewelery for dance.. She would sit down cutting pulpy mangoes and fleshy jack fruits for me to enjoy.. She would make pappadams and fill the big aluminium tin..She was the first to help my parents when they needed something more for the month.. She would teach me bhajans to sing before the lamp in the evening..She was very particular about upholding traditions and values..

Today she sits quiet in a corner staring at people and objects around her, not even taking the slightest effort to remember mom or me for she has resigned from the activities of life forever.. When her students come to see her she smiles..when mom goes to her she smiles, when her kith and kin go to her she smiles, when I go to her she smiles..She does not know that her once little grandchild is now married.. She does not know where to urinate..sans teeth sans dignity but smiles..She walks about here and there quietly and smiles.. she eats what is fed to her.. she looks at her own ornaments with fascination.. She smiles when she is given a bath .. she smiles when she is dressed like a queen..She does not know the power of the condition that has over powered her.. Alzheimer's. The leading lady of our family, clad in white, my role model for life, her perseverance, patience, love and affection, courage, commitment, hard work and most importantly her smile.. I wish it was contagious.. Ciao.

Black day. .

Moments of revelation are quite rare in my life but rare they be they r unique and filled with realisation. Today as I sit listening to my principal;s lecture on emotional intelligence eyes droop and I sleep peacefully, completely shut out from the auditorium comprising of students clad in uniform. The chill breeze from outside the window which is the deadly north east wind seems to be a solace.
The words that flow out of his mouth seem to be in want of experience and creativity. Yet it serves the purpose of the finest lullabies I ve ever heard. I was enlightened in a sleep state.
I cannot be without agreeing with Ivan Illich ( the one who propounded deschooling the society). When I read about him the first time I thought he was out of his mind. I wanted him to slap him after digging him up out of his grave but now I feel quite the contrary because the moment of revelation has engulfed me in realisation that I have learnt a lot outside school and college. Education which has to nourish the society is now leading to the death and decay of even the few sensitive minds that are left on earth. I am not surprised that the world is in want of great teachers. By Great I dont mean people who have good attendance and pleasing personality but people who know to convey what the world is in need of and how children can make the best out of the good that is inherent in them.
Great teachers are not born, they are made and here the making suffers shortcomings which do not have an alternative. It seems to be more dangerous than the atom bombs that destroyed Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
My condolences to the teacher trainees. Ciao.