My lovely blue. . .

Today my teacher asked me to imagine colours,
So i tried imagining,
Hues of green, orange, blue. . .
Oops a little bit of grey and then of course black,
Then shades of white, later red and then shallow yellow,
Purple, violet and stable brown.
Is that blue comin again? And then white and then red?
I did not like white and red,
But blue was lovely. . .
I kept imagining blue for a while longer,
And then for a little while longer and then forever. . .
'Now try taking it out of you' says my teacher,
What?! How can i?
And miss said i have to. . .
And i told her alright,
So i erased blue,
but it remained indelible,
It won't budge,
Its stubborn,
Blue does not look on red blood.
Atleast the colour combination is bad but it just won't budge,
I liked that nature, never yielding, stubborn, adamant,
That's me, i saw in blue, myself,
So i cherished it in me though miss said take it out.
I still have blue, i will imagine it forever. . .

Apologies. . .

There are some moments when you want the earth to swallow you up..especially when you get to know that you made someone wait the whole day...Why dint it flash across my mind even once today..my schedules? no....Then?...I realise I am part of a mechanical world..why blame only the guys in the IT sectors?.. anyone can be busy and forget their important appointments with their dear ones..Sorry mam..I just feel the whole earth swalows me up now! :-( ..but wait..hold on your wicked laughter all you losers..We are going out tomo.. Hi fi mam! :-)

Ragged on train. . .!

Today i experienced what ragging is..I had wanted to be a victim when i was doing my UG at ethiraj, considering the fact that it is part of college life, but now i regret for wishing it. A group of eight guys(chk the numerology!) all around me..me a tiny little sparrow between them, caught in a train compartment. They thought i was a small girl and evn aftr disclosing the fact that i was their super senior i found not even the slightest change either due to surprise or anything else. I forgot what language to speak and the words were mumbled through my mouth..all of them kept looking at me as though they are seeing a woman for the first time and all through the tedious 40 mins journey not one pair of eyes looked away from me. The comments were mainly centred around my hairstyle, my english, my eyes..and of course everyone were enjoying the party at my expense..So u can imagine what the whole thing was like! Chow. . .!

Untimely birth..

And another added year to my life..the numerology was bad this year..close approximate to disaster...but again Thanked god for everything..hoped for nice things in life...but the hollowness could not allow me to cope with the day..An empty store room with no colourful chocolates..no wake up calls but the standard beep of my cel phone..no butterflies in the stomach..no familiar voices...a chilly morning with an unusual power cut.. Embarrassments by way of bday wishes..i remained oblivious as much as possible..but can u stop the human senses?..This day means a lot to others..definitely not to me..and what is worse i have inernals from tomo onwards..In my beginning is my end..thanks one and all..Chow..

Claustrophobia. . .it can get you nowhere. . .

Sometimes we just don't want to talk to anyone fearing that we may become dependant on them for anything else that wil cross our lives, be it sorrows or happiness. Losing our individulity is one thing we never want to compromise. And if it is one of ur close friends then the deciding part is tougher but i guess it is better to decide from your own standpoint so that the means and end wil be justified. Life can just get better for nothing and yet we relish the movement of life more than the purpose or the goal. I recently came to such a trial in my life and it seemed easy for me to chuck the friend but to have my friend back is claustrophobic. Again. . . i did not find the logic behind this wierd stimulus in me. I am living in the new world where the conversations are with myself..i tel myself how cute the baby is at the railway station, how wonderful the sambar vada is at the canteen, how nauseating it is to sit in a two hour special class on saturdays, how awful life would be if i don't try to get placed somewhere, how different things would have been if i had taken advantage of others instead of just allowing myself to be taken advantage of, how i had been blind to the fact that i was a bloody dependant all these years and that the issue popped into the family just a month ago, how i must plan my life to fight all odds, how to fix an appointment with my profs and get my project work done, how loneley a person can get when you are amidst a crowd, and many more. . . I tell all this to myself now..And relish in the movement of life more than the purpose..Its a lesson for a lifetime! Chow. . .

Epiphany..once again. . .

And so for the umpteenth time in my life i have forsaken what i wanted though it sounded stupid to everyone and even the person concerned..Not for my sake but for people around me and i am still trying to find out the logic behind it as i always used to do when i used to give up my little wishes in life..For those who are wondering what this is all about Just FORGET IT! I am born with certain instincts and emotions which shows up when situations demand them however hard i try to repress or supress them. After all not anybody else can be me. It it were like that, i would have sought solace in that somebody by sharing my identity, particularly he negative one. I am happy that i can sleep peacefully with the guitar, dance classes, story writing work shops, outings when my mood goes phttttt, etc ..All these hovering about my head when i sleep and when i wake up to reality i will feel happy that i passed a whole night! I now find the difference between existing and living..I now understand what a room of my own and a field of my own means..I now understand what it is to forsake your own choices not only at the expense of my own suffering but others too and what it means to a lot of others..I now understand what it feels like hugging the teddy that someone special gifted you and what amount of comfort that lifeless thing can give you despite having human beings around..I now understand what it is to be the youngest and the favourite of the family..I now understand how nice it would be to take off to a no man's island..I now understand the pangs of being weak and passing it on to someone who cares for you..All this does not matter.. do they? If it matters it is only to myself and i now understand that i have no one else other than me to take care of me..love me truly..be affectionate..take me out, and fulfil my wishes. I find myself to be comfortable with me today..i love myself..call it narcissism...self love..selfishness..whatever you want to..Atleast i am not the cause for someone to be disgusted..am i? Now that's what i call a true epiphany! A big sorry..days wil pass..believe me they wil just pass if u be happy with things hovering bout ur head while u sleep..Dreams are not so expensive as feelings .and the best part is no one will know bout it. . Chow . .

Life, so funny. . .

As a child you never knew who was jealous of u,
So that u could beome jealous in turn.
As a child you never knew who could hurt you,
So that you could hurt in turn.
As a child you never felt the pain of losing someone,
So that you could leave someone just like that.
As a child you never knew to be proud,
So that you could show off and let others feel small.
As a child you never knew what disgust is,
So that you could lead someone into the same.
There never used to be times when you felt low in gulping a single grain,
That was not out of your own sweat and blood.
There never used to be times when every ounce of your happiness,
Was measured and weighed and re considered and pre concieved.
Today you think of going back to becoming a child once again,
Ask yourself, will it happen? you know the answer and you still ask that question,
That's life! Reality with the axe in hand right ahead of you,
To chop down every branch, of hope, dreams, love and ties.
And we still hold on to it like crazy..this funny life of ours. . .

A decision. . .

A cosy bed...a dim lit room,

Evening time..What's on tv?

Oh it is the game show..

So i flip the channel and what do i see?

The guy going mad for the girl,

Not a very pleasant thing. . .

Tell me what do i do?

To take him away from my damned mind!

No the girl is not going mad for the guy here...oops,

She saw him..isolated from the maddening crowd,

Found him adorable though he spew venom,

Was that a familiar ringtone? Have i heard it before?

Is it bringing back old things?

Do old things ever come back?

'Unless you want it'..said someone in me!

Oh my conscience? Or was it my other identity?

How does he know i get annoyed,

At what he is capable of?

And of course of what he is incapable of?

Oh its an everyday situation, i realise!

Everyone goes through this.

But do you know what's worse?

Its when you are on the edge of heaven and home,

And not knowing which side to jump to.

Home is heaven and heaven, home!

Now thats a difficult decision to take isn't it?!

I'd rather hit my cosy bed in the dimly lit room

And lose myself til the crack of another dawn!

No point in thinkin 'bout it!

It is a difficult situation when you know that someone is snubbing you but you cant do anything about it. It is the talent of the snubber..the subtle way of putting you down..you cannot reiterate..nor can you think of vengeance..it is this that i call the perfect "soupy" situation..Every instant you think of how the snubber put you down and how you had to laugh with him or her despite the fact that you are the victim..And when the snubber uses your talent as the weapon to attack you there can be nothing like that! "My capacity to write stories. . . i believe..I could write a whole Phd thesis with this kind of a talent." Now you think that is a compliment for me? Well then that's what you think! I wished i could tel something back but what could i? And so i smiled and gave a chance for the snubber to triumph in the new prank that he just played on me. As i keep thinking. . . i realise i have a class to go to! Dammmmmn it..! Chow!

Notification of recent rechristening. . .

Well ...shucks..k its just this...I thought the rechristening was necessary guys..!

Madness is in my vicinity. . . !

It was nearly six thirty in the evening when i returned home..After a loooong day of class and teaching i came home to crash and found to my delight that i had to complete an assignment and the next day was the last date of submission. I was blissfully happy bout the fact that my limbs were almost collapsing and that i had to sit through the night to get done with the assignment. Well..again..it happens you know....Sometimes u r just put in a situation from which u cannot extricate yourself easily! Madness wont be far away for me in a short while from now... I am loving it! Chow!

Untitled. . .

Today in class sir made me the butt of ridicule in class..The losers had not studied and i was held responsible..I understood the joke but what i did not understand was why i laughed along with the others..But what else could i do? If i had got angry then that would be agreeing to his comments which was far worse. So i chose to laugh at myself and that too was agreeing only ....and it was a great feeling. I usually am scared of words, like, "Rejection", "pity" and oh yeah "love"! I am never shuned away in a crowd..I am always welcome in a crowd..I remained neutral everywhere fearing that standing on one side would pose dangers to me but flash came the news one day," "Neutrality is meant for losers"! You can imagine..! I was "ardhanari" manifest ..people did not know...and lo and behold i was god one day! The other day i was begging on the streets with open arms and today i am worshipped! Why? Cos today i am on my own legs..today i give what is most necessary for my people, today i am planning things ahead for the future, today i am offering security, today i am making old things look new..today i am living for others..and so today i am god! The vehicles sped past me in the dim light of the chill evening...where to? nowhere..they were all disppearing inot thin air..Is that a palm tree? that same old palm tree? nooo...it offers less comfort now..old things can never be made new! That's revelation..! Where is that person whom i had bribed to show me my destiny..why the hell is that loser late.. can't he see that im in a hurry? Maybe he is waiting so that i have an opportunity to change my mind..No ways..i will never falter..Never another doomsday in my life..I have waited enough..and i have seen enough..i have experienced all what i ought to..I am waiting for one last time..hurry up!

Reflections..

I sat in the moving train today wondering what to write for Lalitha mam..she had asked me about something i did not know..however my power of imagination did not let me down..I scribbled something on my notepad.whatever i felt..whatever i experienced..didn't look bad though i was so much in want of knowledge in the area..i had to write about men and women in their middle ages..Noooooo i did not foresee anything cos i don't see myself even now..I had two assignments to be finished and of course my project too. I was getting nowhere with them and i seemed quite casual about it. I was lost..I just lay there doing nothing and its just wierd that i sometimes go in for hibernation as though i was working hard all through the other times. But believe me guys..hibernation just out of the blue moon whether you were sweating out or not is just so blissful!!!! ..Snuggle up under those warm quilts dreaming about your dreamboy or dreamgal! lol..that was a lil too much out of context atleast considering me..Nope wait..why is that my friends considered me a tomboy and incapable of getting emotional or sensitive to issues? Cos i did not bother what they thought about me and did what i wanted? I know im the only girl who never uses the knife and the fork while eating pizzas with friends and they think i did not mind being decent or even artificial cos i have no one to impress with my culinary ettiquettes..(Is this the spelling ?? oops.hush!)I could hear my other friends trying hard to tel me secretly to use the knife and the fork. Why would i? waste time to put that sumptuous piece of bread filled with yummy cheese and vegetables into your mouth?..never..I used to be the only one who used to throw myself into the gushing waters of the wide blue sea when all the other gals would mind the salt in the water and their compact protected faces..The salt is bad for the skin, it can roughen it, but who would sacrifice throwing yourself into the water and feeling yourself again??! And the dosa on my plate would get a wash in both the sambar and the chutney with everything dripping through my fingers, and again stares!!!..No long glossy hair or frills on my forehead and again" what have you done to yourself varna?" My admiration of women actresses and all beautiful women whom i see would set eyeballs rolling and huge gasps...For god's sake im not lesbian..I don't dream of them..or what is really wrong in that? I mean..aaaaaaaarrrggghhhh! Well i really dont bother what u guys think even now!! I am so i think..and i think so i am! chow!

New year!

And the dawn of a new year again! I had a wonderful time with my school friends. We were out the whole day going from place to place deciding which one is the best to celebrate new year! In the morning i went to one of my friend's classical dance recital and i guess that was a nice way to start off ..My kind! I took up a very difficult resolution and of course i could not keep it up for the first two days..wish me luck for the following days guys! Wishing all my buddies out there a very happy new fun filled, trouble-free and rocking new year! chow!