December 17th was yet another day that began with a lot of pain, anticipation, hope and fear..Well if you are wondering why these mixed feelings all at once..yes that was what I went through the last few weeks of pregnancy.. Each day brought me closer to my due date and the beautiful feeling of getting to see my little one who would have been crafted by god by putting together both our ancestries as well as our genes.. and to surprise us she would also have those extra new genes which would be different from both of us too.. the feeling was too good to be patient for!! As each day passed disappointment filled my mind and I felt this was going to last forever.. As I write this now I laugh at myself for all the anxiety I put on myself to get her out... I had tried my best to make sure she was out soon.. I could see my mom and my mum in law getting worried for me cos the later she would be born the bigger she would be and it would be difficult for a normal vaginal delivery.. and a cesarean was completely out of the question.. !!
So with everyone around me getting anxious and my own anxiety to top it I was super super stressed..! so like I googled every detail from the beginning of my pregnancy I googled every bit of information to make this labour get going soon! I tried walking, jogging and even belly dancing ( imagine a full term bump being jolted that way!! phew!).. I was crazy cos it was already four days past my due date and I was expecting her way before my due date.. So the waiting continued that way in vain.. The dawn of dec 17th woke me up with intense back pain and by this time I had given up hopes of getting into labour naturally cos I was going to be induced in two days.. But I decided to wean the pain by the usual techniques of yoga, warm bath, labour exercises, walking, drinking warm fluids and what not...the later part of the day brought me to a position where I could not put up with it any longer.. I decided to get to the emergency dept to get checked..I had heard that some people go into labour with back pain.. but then I had already been to the emergency twice only to be sent back.. This time I would look like a clown if I went back with nothing to worry about.. Sandy was completely against going to the hospital cos he felt that I had to feel the intense contractions that would confirm natural labour.. But my pain would not decrease and we actually got into a row before he decided to go to the hospital again..
This time I did not look out of the car window to check out the Christmas decorations..nor did I anticipate getting back with my baby after the delivery...I just let go of all those feelings just to check if calming down really helped.. and it did help.. the moment they checked me at the observation room they said I could get induced that same day as the back pain really caused me trouble.. my contractions were measured and they were satisfied with the full term growth of the baby so they gave me the choice to get induced..Why would I refuse..? I asked them to totally go ahead and thus started the next journey of labour.. the journey that women claimed to be the toughest in life..that caused excruciating pain which they would never forget for a lifetime and that journey that changed their lives forever.. When I looked around the hospital wards as I was wheeled to the labour room I felt this extreme pride of finally reaching that stage after nine whole months of nausea, back pain, mood swings, vomiting, constipation and all those crazy things which was beyond my level of tolerance..I felt that I would be lifted from the thorn bed and be united with motherly love for my little one in just few hours..!
The room looked quite cosy..it was a bit cold though..I was tucked carefully onto bed with a pillow on my side for a wedge.an iv was connected after poking me atleast five times..I looked like a pro taking injections without the slightest sign of pain...I was asked if I would want an epidural..I was so glad I took the epidural otherwise I would have had a cesarean for sure.. The epidural was as tough as it sounded.. I knew what the procedure would be already( thanks to google again) ..I braced myself when the Indian doc came with the equipments..I had to get injected on the lower spine and get the pain killer through a tube into my system..I would then be free of sensing any pain therefater.. and true to what it promised I did not feel the lower part of my body after that..But that instant when the epidural was administered into my spine was unforgettable.. I remember seeing cows being injected with an injection the size of a bottle in my childhood days and used to feel terrified at the sight.. I saw him take one such syringe to get it into my bone.. and as he struck it into my back I saw stars. .And the pressure of the medicine going into my lower body was yet another horrible feeling that made me feel so helpless and weak..
But once the epidural took effect I was completely numb down and the nurses had to lift my leg up onto the pillows to prevent them from flopping around..It felt funny..Soon after that I started feeling shaky and was shivering like I was sunk in the mid atlantic from Titanic.. I could see my mom alarmed at the sight of me shivering.. I felt a surge of emotion then.. The nurses assured it was normal.. and then after that every one hour a nurse came to check my dilation.. I had to be ten cms dilated so that my little one's head could come through it easily..At around 8 the doctors said I was fully dilated and that I could start pushing..!
Now the pushing part I knew! I had seen it a thousand times on child birth websites to get the hang of it.. I knew this was going to be easy.. cos I was fully dilated and ready to push and there was absolutely no pain! Thanks to the epidural !! I even knew the count and the pauses I had to take after each count..The nurses however briefed me about the pushing stage and that was when sandy had to hold both my legs to support me..He seemed quite anxious as well as excited to see our baby yet there was some tension on his face.. he would encourage me with his positive words.. my mum in law joined us on one side.. as I started pushing I felt it was going out of my control.. I exerted like I could send my kidneys flying from inside but the baby was not coming out.. why was that.. was I not pushing hard enough.. ?? Or is it that I became weak? The doctors kept looking for some sign of the baby coming out.. By then I had pushed for almost 20 mins and it felt like twenty hours.. I felt my strength weakening..I could push no more.. moreover I was frustrated with the doctors putting their hands inside to turn the baby around so that she could come out easily.. That was when I thought I was dying..I felt their hands inside me rumble that for a moment I thought they could touch my arteries and break them..I really gave up...I was beginning to drift to a dreamy sleep thinking about how my daughter loved to cling onto my womb, never wanting to come out into the world....they vacuumed for sometime so that the suction brought her a little closer to the passage to the outside world..That's when the doctors said they could see her head full of hair..They tore me apart for her to pass easily ..though I felt nothing I was horrified.. I got back to pushing again though this time I was completely deprived of strength..Sandy was super excited to see her head emerge out and he kept screaming "push..push little more", almost there".. In fact everyone around were screaming the same thing..And seriously I felt like slapping everyone..! Lol!
Finally the doctors seemed to discuss about using forceps to get her out.. now I could see all what was happening around me, I could hear all what was being spoken, I could see my mom helplessly trying to avoid seeing me struggle so much.. I seriously did not want forceps..it could hurt the baby.. I just had to get her out myself and for that I had to push more..they slit my opening for more room.. The rest was in my hands.. If I did not do it then I would be scarred for life about not doing my best.. And then that moment occurred.. that moment when you feel god himself descends down and gives you strength to get through the most difficult times..And with one last push they had her out.. I remember seeing a nice bonny baby still hanging from the umblical cord..I dont remember seeing sandy cut the cord..I wished I had seen him do it..Fatigue was ebbing in me and I almost felt a gush wave of exhaustion..The doctors were not done yet..They had to stitch me up..They had tore me considerably and this time it pained..it pained like I was being ripped with a thousand knives..Now I screamed..I kept asking them if it was over and they kept saying "almost, almost"... I was asked to look at my baby on the side table to feel better..( as if it would work!) I mean imagine being stitched up !!!
At last she was there right on my chest .I could feel her baby body wriggle with the unfamiliarity of her surroundings...I could feel how comfortable she got when she suckled at me..Tears of joy filled my eyes and before long Sandy was clicking pictures of mom and baby together.. I knew the purpose of my life then.. at tht moment when I held her on to my chest..I felt I should devote my life for her..I swore I would forgive her for all the woes she would cause me both intentionally and unintentionally..I vowed never to give up even when the last pint of my strength were to be put to test..I thought about all those glorious moments she would make me proud of..I reflected about all those life threatening situations just to be prepared for the worst..I suddenly understood what my mum meant when she said "I love you unconditionally" ..
Motherhood is divine! Thanks be to God!
