I walked down the stairs following mom and grandmom..The ladies were quite slow yet clinged onto each other..Seemed as though they were interwoven with divine love..I moved faster overtaking them, to see them coming down together, and to click them onto my phone camera...Tears streamed down as the thought of them leaving Chennai evaded in me ..The previous night was restless and depressing.. What spell has this woman cast on me? I seem to grow too attached to her as the days passed.. When she screams I wish for her to stop talking and when she does not speak I am filled with remorse..
These days I dream of a queer thing.. I see a heavenly white vehicle filled with old people.. all angels by nature, travelling towards some place..The vehicle has huge white wings and it is fully adorned with flowers.. The fragrance is too rich to resist.. I stand with my grandmom at the stop where the vehicle would halt so that we could join the ride.. As it comes near I leap in joy and she loosens the grip on my hand from hers, smiling at me.... I see an old man waving from the vehicle who resembles my grandfather.. She leaps in joy but turns around to bless me.. The old man holds her hand as the vehicle stops before us and helps her to get in.. I stretch my arms too to be helped but no helping hands come out for me.. Grandmom sits comfortably besides the old man and smiles at me waving her hand.. Before I could get in the vehicle leaves and this time in great speed and in a moment it flies high in the sky and suddenly it is nowhere to be seen.
I stand alone gaping at the emptiness around me.. I stand and stare at the endless road which stretches far.. I look up to see traces of the vehicle but in vain.. I call out to her name but the response comes in the form of a imaginary smiling face.. The first tear falls down my cheek.. I am filled with pain.. deep pain .. for being abandoned.. Then the tears stream down as I call her out loudly several times.. I cry and cry and then suddenly I am up on my bed.. Heavy hearted and seeking the smell and the warmth of my grandmom.. It was a dream.
What do I pray for? To give her long life? Or to make sure she rests in peace so that she does not suffer... She does not hear, she does not remember who we are, she does not know where she is, she does not know to express her feelings and she is so beautiful..a sort of grace and peace hung about her all the time..
Mom has always told me about how she walked miles and miles to get to work and then come back late to attend to household chores..She wore printed sarees and always spread her long hair on her back ,tied only at the tip. A teacher with the true spirit and love for her students. Today when her students come to her help in official matters her pride knows no bounds. 33 years of service in the field of teaching starting from 15 years of age.. The only child who completed sslc education in her locale. .She was self conscious and made sure that she lived a life of dignity..
I have seen her wake up at 4... light the lamp to pay homage to the ancestors and to thank the gods for giving another day in this world..She would tread with a positive spirit to the kitchen and start cooking breakfast and lunch for the endless number of people in her home. She would get down to the farm and pick big green tender coconuts, collect firewood, pick palm and draw water from the well..She would bathe and sit for lunch with the water still dripping from her neatly combed tresses.. She showed no signs of sorrow if there was no one to accompany her for lunch.. She would relish her food in complete solitude and still be able to think what to make for tea..There was always food for the neighbours which she passed through the wall that separated her home from theirs.
She would manage the finance, and make boiled and sugared plantains for me..Every time I looked at her, that smile would make me feel warm..When I fall ill, she would have me see the doctor and attend to me throughout the day.. She would delight me with her stories and share her woes about not having a mother from the tender age of 2. Her imaginations about motherhood seemed beyond the boundaries and she stood true to it in her life ...Her footsteps could be heard from far for she always wore slippers at home..She would complain of leg pain and it was a pleasure for me to massage her big fat legs where blue-green veins strutted out fiercely. Humility personified, embodiment of femininity, devoted wife and mother, greatest cook, and best grandmom.. She was a true warrior who fought against all odds in life and made sure she won over them..Love poured from her like a perennial river..She taught me to read and write in my mother tongue.. Her false teeth was always a subject of ridicule but she cleaned them everyday and wore them not missing even one day.
One day when I was staying at my paternal home I saw my uncle walking towards me with a packet in his hands..It was a gift from grandmom, a pair of glistening silver anklets..The bells jingled when I walked ..My bare legs were no more bare, but it was adorned ..It made my day.. She bought me jewelery for dance.. She would sit down cutting pulpy mangoes and fleshy jack fruits for me to enjoy.. She would make pappadams and fill the big aluminium tin..She was the first to help my parents when they needed something more for the month.. She would teach me bhajans to sing before the lamp in the evening..She was very particular about upholding traditions and values..
Today she sits quiet in a corner staring at people and objects around her, not even taking the slightest effort to remember mom or me for she has resigned from the activities of life forever.. When her students come to see her she smiles..when mom goes to her she smiles, when her kith and kin go to her she smiles, when I go to her she smiles..She does not know that her once little grandchild is now married.. She does not know where to urinate..sans teeth sans dignity but smiles..She walks about here and there quietly and smiles.. she eats what is fed to her.. she looks at her own ornaments with fascination.. She smiles when she is given a bath .. she smiles when she is dressed like a queen..She does not know the power of the condition that has over powered her.. Alzheimer's. The leading lady of our family, clad in white, my role model for life, her perseverance, patience, love and affection, courage, commitment, hard work and most importantly her smile.. I wish it was contagious.. Ciao.
